My first reaction was that she was joking. “W-what are you saying?”
“Lu Feng. My younger brother got stabbed in a fight while competing over a girlfriend. He’s lying in a small restaurant near your school right now. He’s afraid of getting disciplinary punishment, so he doesn’t dare go to the hospital or return to school. I’m busy and don’t have time to deal with him, so just go take care of him. Also, don’t let my father know. He’ll break that idiot’s legs. And also—”
I asked Xiao Shang to help me request leave for the afternoon. I didn’t have time to explain. I grabbed my wallet and rushed out.
That restaurant was one Lu Feng and I used to go to often. Whenever there was something to celebrate or good news—like when I ranked first in a subject, or when his father sent him money—we would order a few dishes there. One of us would drink, the other would have juice or soda, and we would sit there for a long time.
So the owner recognized me and nodded in greeting. “Lu Feng is in room 3 on the second floor.”
I calmed down a little. If he was really bleeding to death, the owner wouldn’t be so calm letting a corpse stay in a guest room.
The door wasn’t locked, only slightly ajar. My heart pounded as I feared seeing Lu Feng lying in a pool of blood, lifeless on the bed.
“…Lu Feng…” I pushed the door open and called out cautiously.
“Hm?”
That guy who was supposedly stabbed and should’ve been bleeding out and dying was sitting cross-legged on the bed watching TV.
“….”
I was so silent I was even more silent than a silent lamb, and I even briefly considered rushing over and stabbing him again before clapping my hands and leaving.
“Xiao Chen?!” He looked surprised when he saw me.
My veins popped twice in irritation. “Your sister said you were injured and asked me to come see you. Looks like you’re pretty healthy. Was the knife as thick as a needle?” How did I not think maybe it was a fruit knife… damn it…
“Oh, the knife.” Lu Feng smiled and gestured. “About this long. A cleaver.”
“Stop bragging.” My veins popped again.
Lu Feng blinked in confusion. “I’m not lying.” He turned to show his right arm. It was wrapped in thick bandages, faintly stained with blood. “But it didn’t stab my stomach. That fat guy attacked from behind. I couldn’t dodge in time, so I used my arm to block it.”
I sucked in a cold breath, my teeth slightly chattering. “The, the wound… how deep is it?”
“Not bad. Didn’t hit bone or tendons.” He looked at his arm, then at my pale face, and smiled. “Don’t be afraid. It’s not serious. I’ll be fine in a few days. I just can’t go back to school for now. I can only take disciplinary punishment, but I can’t get another major demerit. My dad would kill me.”
“As long as you’re fine.” I felt awkward under his gaze. “Um… your sister was really worried, so she asked me to come check on you… as long as you’re… okay…”
“My sister,” he snorted. “That busybody. I already told her it was just a cut on the arm. Of course she’d overthink it… I called her to send me money anyway. I broke two machines at the arcade and had to pay a lot. Damn extortion…”
“……”
I used to always talk endlessly when we were together, but now I couldn’t even find a couple words.
“Take care of yourself. I’ll go back and help you ask for leave… um…”
“Hm?” He raised one eyebrow and looked at me.
“I’m leaving.” I turned to go.
“Xiao Chen.”
“……”
“Since you’re already here, sit a bit before you leave. I haven’t talked to you for six days.”
…Hmph. So you still remember it’s been six days.
I reluctantly walked over and sat down.
He stretched out his left arm and pulled me over forcefully. “Why are you sitting so far away?”
“Your arm hurts, right?” I said awkwardly.
“It’s fine… it doesn’t hurt now.”
“Yeah,” I said coldly. “Dying for beauty, even as a ghost you’d still be romantic. She’s the second-year school beauty. Getting stabbed for her is nothing.”
“I think this stab was worth it,” he admitted frankly.
I was annoyed and turned my head away. “Be careful next time. Don’t risk your life just to act heroic for beauty.”
He laughed softly.
I became even more irritated and stood up. “Let your school beauty take care of you. I’m going back first.”
“Xiao Chen,” he suddenly said lightly, “are you jealous?”
“You’re insane!” I jumped up like my tail had been stepped on and pointed at his nose. “Who you like or what you do has nothing to do with me! I’m not anything to you!”
He looked at me smiling, then suddenly pulled me down so I landed on his lap.
“What’s wrong with you.” I was extremely awkward and shoved away his arm around my waist. “I’m not a woman. Stop touching me.”
“Xiao Chen, I really think this injury was worth it.”
“I know, I know. Stop being a lunatic.” I said impatiently. “Let go. Don’t get so close.”
“If I hadn’t been injured, you wouldn’t have come to see me, right?”
I froze for a moment before understanding what he meant. My face felt slightly hot. “We’re friends. Of course I would come to your funeral to pay respects.”
“Hey… don’t make that expression. I’ll want to kiss you.”
“Crazy from wanting women too much.” I slapped away his hand. “Let go. Sitting on a man’s lap isn’t disgusting to you?”
He held me tightly, his warm breath on the top of my head. I stiffened all over, not understanding why I didn’t dare look at him.
“Xiao Chen, lift your head. I have something to say.”
“Hm?” I subconsciously looked up.
Everything blurred for a moment. Two burning, soft lips pressed down heavily.
My mind went completely blank.
He held the back of my head with one hand and kissed deeply for a while, his tongue trying to pry open my teeth. I slowly came back to my senses from shock and instinctively resisted, but I had no strength to close my teeth. In the end, he forced them open completely. The moment his tongue sucked against mine, all my strength seemed to drain away, and I trembled helplessly in his arms. Lu Feng’s tongue was warm and forceful, the wild twisting and sucking made the tip of my tongue start to hurt. The kiss deepened and deepened. I couldn’t breathe; my chest felt tight and suffocating.
Lu Feng suddenly let go and patted my suffocating face. “Idiot, breathe!”
Only then did I gasp for air, trembling slightly.
“Stupid kid, you can still breathe during a kiss.”
I panted for a while before my heartbeat slowly calmed. “Lu Feng… no… this isn’t right…”
“Hm?” He held my face and stared at me closely.
“No… it’s not right,” I stammered. “This is wrong… I’m a man… this… isn’t right…”
“Shh…” Lu Feng suddenly raised a finger, signaling me to be quiet.
I closed my mouth and looked at him nervously.
“I like you,” he said, in a tone and gaze that left no room for doubt.
“But—”
Before I could finish, his lips pressed down again.
This time I didn’t even have the slightest chance to resist before he forcefully went in again.
Lu Feng said, “Come find me when you’ve figured it out.”
I couldn’t figure it out, so I never went to see him. Really, it wasn’t avoidance—you have to believe me on this.
My homework efficiency and quality dropped sharply. Yesterday’s English reading comprehension, I actually got five wrong. I used to always get full marks. I was greatly shocked, sitting there in a daze analyzing what exactly went wrong—lack of sleep affecting brain function? Low mood causing judgment errors? Or air pollution causing severe oxygen deprivation in the brain?
It had nothing to do with that person. Absolutely nothing.
“Lu Feng, you’re back!” Someone loudly greeted in the corridor outside.
I was instantly panicked, looking around desperately for somewhere to hide. Wardrobe? Box? Drawer?
While I was still panicking, the door suddenly “bang” opened. I immediately sat back down pretending to study.
“Xiao Chen, I’m back,” he said cheerfully.
“Oh, mm.” I kept my head down, scribbling randomly on the paper like I was extremely busy.
“You’re doing homework?”
“Mm, yes.”
“Then I won’t disturb you.”
“Mm, okay.” I quietly breathed a sigh of relief.
“Xiao Chen, your book is upside down.”
“Huh?” I reflexively flipped it over. Then I looked again—huh? It was upside down… so it wasn’t upside down just now?
The smile on Lu Feng’s face faded. He put down his bag and sat on the edge of the bed. “Come here.”
I bit my lip and slowly shuffled over.
“Sit.”
I obeyed.
His hand naturally rested on my shoulder. I flinched.
“Are you afraid of me?!”
I quickly shook my head.
Lu Feng frowned and turned me to face him. “Look at me. I’ll ask questions, you just answer yes or no.”
I stared at him obediently, not moving.
“Do you find what happened that day disgusting?”
I shook my head.
“Are you happy being with me?” I nodded.
“If I have a girlfriend, are you unhappy?” I shook my head.
“Were you worried when I was injured?” I nodded.
“You like being with me, right?” I nodded.
“Do you like being with me the most?” I nodded.
He looked very satisfied, his voice softening. “Then, when we kissed, did it feel good?”
I flushed red and froze there.
“Say it honestly.”
After a long time, I lowered my head only as a formality.
“So that means… you like me too, right?”
After hesitating for a long while, I finally forced myself and nodded again.
“Then isn’t that enough.”
“Lu Feng.” I spoke with difficulty. “I’m a guy.”
“Nonsense. Anyone can see that.”
“Man liking a man… that’s… abnormal.”
“So you’re saying I’m abnormal?”
“N-no…” I fumbled with words. “You’re very good… but we’re both men…”
“Where’s all this nonsense coming from.” He impatiently pinched my chin. “We both like each other. Isn’t it fine to be together? Why care about all that.”
“W-who said we both like each other.” Please don’t just jump to strange conclusions.
He lowered his head without hesitation, looking for my lips.
“No… mm—”
“I just like you. What’s wrong with that.” When his lips moved to my ear, he said this.
There really wasn’t anything wrong. So in the end, I didn’t push him away.
If I ignored morals and ethics, being with Lu Feng made me very happy.
The rejection toward same-sex love was ultimately not as strong as his attraction to me. We secretly kissed fiercely under the cover of night and dense tree shade, and after lights-out we hid in his bed, suppressing our voices while touching each other. Secret love is most easily turned passionate and uncontrollable; even when we looked at each other in public, our eyes were hot and ambiguous.
During the long two months of summer vacation, my longing for Lu Feng became stronger than ever before. I almost dreamed of him every night, and the things in those dreams… I won’t mention them, to avoid embarrassment.
As a result, after the emotions piled up, one night I woke up to find a sticky wet patch beneath me.
My development was slow; this had never happened before. Even though I knew what it was, the fact that the person tangled in my dream was a man named Lu Feng made me feel utterly embarrassed.
The next night when Lu Feng called as usual, I closed my room door and honestly told him. That precocious guy listened and laughed in a muffled voice, laughing so much that I got angry: “Why are you laughing?! It’s because you keep messing up my dreams when you don’t sleep properly, doing all kinds of things to me…”
“What kind of things?” he asked.
“…What else could it be! You—you’re only good at being a pervert!” I said in frustration.
“Oh, right, right, I’m a pervert.” He laughed mischievously for a while, then his voice suddenly turned a little hoarse. “Cheng Yichen, I want you right now.”
Even I, with thick skin, blushed completely red. “If you keep talking dirty I’m calling the police.”
“Be good, let me hug you for a bit.”
“Fine, fine, go ahead and hug.” I pretended to be generous with my words.
“I’m touching your waist… hmm, seems like it got thinner.”
Even though I knew he was just talking nonsense, a wave of numb tingling really rose in my waist. “…It’s summer… I lose weight…”
“Now I’m touching your face… your face is thinner too… your lips… hey, don’t bite your lips, relax your teeth, I’m going to put my finger in…”
I listened silently, my heartbeat becoming unstable.
“I’m going to… kiss you now.”
I trembled.
Unknowingly, I placed my right hand on myself, imagining it was Lu Feng’s warm, dry hand, following what he said, moving across my body until between my legs.
……
“Does it feel good?”
I gasped, looking at the milky-white liquid in my hand, feeling a sweet kind of shame.
“So shy… is this your first time?”
“Mm.” My face turned red again.
Lu Feng was silent for a moment; his breathing became heavier. I bit my lip and held the phone, guessing whether he was doing what I had just done, and I couldn’t help feeling another wave of excitement.
When his breathing gradually calmed down, I boldly retaliated: “Did it feel good?”
He laughed. “It felt good. Doing it with you, of course it feels good.”
“You really have no shame.” This guy was getting more and more shameless.
After a low laugh, Lu Feng suddenly said, “Cheng Yichen, I love you.”
Only many years later did I understand that this sentence—calling my full name and not sounding sweet at all—was far more sincere and genuine than any sweet talk, and extremely precious.
That summer I spent my fourteenth birthday. Before that, I was an age as pure as a blank sheet of paper. The marks on me were all carved in one by one by Lu Feng.