High school’s first winter break had everyone excited, but not seeing Lu Feng for four full weeks still made me a little down. For the first time in my life I tasted what it was like to miss someone—and the object… was actually a guy… tsk tsk tsk.
I spent five days finishing several winter assignments, and also helped my younger brother finish his. Yichen was busy playing his GUITAR, to the point of wanting to not eat or sleep. Recently he had become obsessed with Japanese bands and even slept holding that second-hand GUITAR, his fingers twitching all the time. A bunch of kids even formed a band. The name was… what was it again… it might not have been finalized yet. I remember we originally wanted to open a dictionary, close our eyes, and point at two characters randomly—but the first we landed on was “diarrhea” and the second was “cancer.” Whether it was “diarrhea-cancer” or “cancer-diarrhea,” it sounded equally discouraging, so it was dropped.
That unlucky guy didn’t do well in finals. Knowing I ranked third in the grade and my parents gave rewards, whenever he ran out of money he’d ask his dear, “perfect” older brother to lend him some, swearing to heaven he’d repay me with his Spring Festival red envelope. Even though I knew it was basically meat buns thrown at a dog, I still obediently handed over the money. If you had a younger brother who clung to you since childhood, would split every five-cent coin he picked up with you, and looked very similar to you, you’d also soften.
As long as he didn’t practice GUITAR at night in the next room.
Yichen went to a friend’s house to practice, and I was bored stiff. TV programs were so dull they made me depressed. I just sat there watching commercials, and as soon as a drama came on I quickly changed channels or went to the bathroom. Mom wanted to watch a Qiong Yao drama, and I felt uneasy the moment I saw all those aunties crying. Just as the female lead was crying so hard I was starting to shiver, the phone rang. Mom was completely absorbed wiping her eyes, so I had to get up and answer it.
“Hello, who are you looking for?”
“Xiao Chen?”
My whole face lit up and I smiled widely. “Lu Feng!”
“What happened at your house? Why are you crying so badly?”
“Shut your damn mouth! You’re the one who had something happen! It’s just that stupid drama!”
“So coincidence? My house is watching it too.”
The two of us competed to use the most cutting insults and completely destroyed Aunt Qiong Yao’s classic work, until Lu Feng suddenly asked:
“Xiao Chen, did you miss me?”
“…Disgusting…”
“Did you or not?” he pressed.
“…A little bit.” I said it and immediately felt awkward, my face warming up.
“Oh.” He sounded quite happy. “I missed you a lot. My old man took me out to play for a few days, and the first thing I did when I got home was call you. How have you been these days?”
“I finished all my homework.” I said proudly like a rooster.
“So amazing?! Come back a few days early. …Lend me your homework to copy.”
“Don’t say it so loudly that you’re copying homework…”
We chatted about random things for more than two hours, and when I hung up my left ear was completely red.
I turned around and saw my mom wasn’t glaring at the TV anymore—she was glaring at me instead.
“A female classmate?!”
“A guy.”
Mom still looked unconvinced and muttered, “Xiao Chen, you’re only in first year of high school, don’t date girls, that’s very bad, your dad will beat you to death…”
“I’m not dating anyone. With how I look, who would like me?”
“What do you mean look? You look fine—nose is nose, eyes are eyes.”
“…So just slightly better than having your nose on your eyes?”
“Oh dear, what nonsense are you saying, Xiao Chen? Auntie downstairs and the others all say you and Xiao Chen are very handsome.”
“Mom, you don’t just say that because I look like you, right? If I’m ugly just say I’m ugly, I won’t blame you.”
“Oh actually, when you were born you weren’t ugly at all. Look at your birth photo—your eyes were so big and lively. It’s just you kept crying later and cried your eyes smaller…”
I muttered something and went back to my room, shutting my mom’s incomprehensible nagging outside the door.
After that, Lu Feng called every day during winter break. After my parents and Yichen took turns answering and confirming he was indeed a boy, they stopped being paranoid. But my mom never lacked new topics to nag about.
“Xiao Chen, don’t talk on the phone so long with classmates, it’s expensive. One call is enough for a poor family to eat for a month…”
“Mom, don’t be so socially concerned. He’s the one calling me, not me calling him, and his family isn’t poor.”
“Still, you can talk at school anyway. Long-distance calls within the province are 60 cents per minute, one hour is 36 yuan, two hours is 72…”
Rarely did my mom’s math improve so much.
That night when Lu Feng called again, I nervously asked him:
“Let’s not talk so long. It costs you a lot of money.”
“Okay, then I won’t call tomorrow.”
“….” I choked instantly. “You… you’re really direct.”
“I’ve always been direct.”
“…Then I’ll call you tomorrow instead.”
“Do you think your call is free? No need.”
“….”
Maybe he already found me annoying, and I was just too slow to notice.
I lost all energy and hung up early to sleep, but I couldn’t fall asleep.
Lu Feng… sigh… that guy really is annoying.
The next morning I sat at the dining table with dark circles under my eyes. Yichen was still playing GUITAR in the room, and my parents were cooking in the kitchen. Our eating habits were somewhat bizarre—three meals a day all consisted of porridge, just differing in thickness. Side dishes were basically the same too; often we’d eat white porridge in the morning while eating chicken legs or crab.
Someone knocked on the door.
Who is it—no need to visit so early during New Year.
“Xiao Chen, go open the door. If it’s the milk delivery guy, give him the money on the table.”
Right, we had ordered fresh milk. After porridge, we drank milk. Nobody would believe it if told outside.
I took the money, opened the door, received the milk, paid, and just as I closed it—
“Knock knock.”
So annoying.
I opened the door again irritably. “Uncle—”
“Uncle? I’m so young and you still call me uncle?” the tall and handsome teenager smiled wickedly. “Are you stupid? I got up at 4 a.m. to catch the earliest bus just to see you, and you won’t even let me in?”
I froze, face turning red, unable to say a word. I could only punch him hard, then kick him for good measure.
Only after letting him in did I notice he was holding two blocks of tofu.
“…What’s that for?”
“All the shops were closed. Only a tofu stall was open. I had to buy something to ask for directions.”
So Lu Feng’s first visit gift to my parents was two blocks of tofu.
Coincidentally, my parents were worrying about what to cook with tofu and who would be willing to go down five floors to buy it, so they immediately smiled and praised Lu Feng for being thoughtful.
Lu Feng stayed glued to me all day. We stayed in my small bedroom with the door closed, sitting side by side on the bed, talking. When we didn’t speak, we just looked at each other and smiled. I took out my favorite collections and showed him one by one. To him, they weren’t anything special, but he still leaned in enthusiastically, holding my waist from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder as he carefully looked at the pictures and models. His warm breath brushed against my ear, ticklish.
At night we still couldn’t bear to part. My parents warmly invited him to stay over, and he “reluctantly” agreed after some refusal—he was best at pretending.
I excitedly crawled into bed first, waiting for Lu Feng as he slowly took off his heavy winter clothes. He was four years older than me, well developed, tall and broad despite being lean. I was still desperately trying to grow taller, so I sighed enviously at his back.
“What are you looking at?” he climbed in and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“What did your mom feed you? How did you get so tall?”
“Bull penis.” He smiled wickedly.
“Get lost. That doesn’t grow height.”
“It does.”
“…Heh…”
Maybe because it was cold, we slept facing each other, holding each other.
Lu Feng’s body temperature… was something I liked.
Lu Feng stayed two extra days before leaving. My parents were very enthusiastic. Only Yichen showed a slight hostility. “Brother, don’t always talk to him and ignore me.” “We’ve been separated into different rooms since we were six, why can he sleep with you?” Fine—I admit Yichen had a slight brother-complex, but back then, both of us didn’t think too much about it.
Two days before school started, I eagerly abandoned Yichen and rushed back to school alone. When I pushed open the dorm door, Lu Feng was standing there with my luggage, turning around when he heard the sound and smiling brightly.
“Xiao Chen, I brought you chocolate.”
“Lu Feng, I brought you pork floss.”
We spoke at the same time and laughed.
My mom’s pork floss… basically every strand was one millimeter thick, at least ten times thicker than packaged ones. She made it mostly out of boredom, just like how she repeatedly unraveled my old sweaters into gloves, then socks, then scarves, then unraveled them again.
Lu Feng had praised it casually when he tasted it at my house, and my rarely praised mother immediately treated him like a soulmate and forced me to bring a bag for him.
We lay on his bed listening to CDs, chatting, and eating snacks. The Swiss chocolate naturally attracted me more than homemade pork floss. I reluctantly ate the beautifully crafted candies one by one; the slightly bitter melt-in-your-mouth taste was addictive, and before I knew it the box was empty.
Just as I swallowed the last one, Lu Feng spoke.
“Hey, at least leave me one.”
“They’re gone.” I stuck out my tongue shamelessly. “Want this one?”
“Okay.”
He really rolled over, pressed me down, held my face, and kissed me.
I was completely stunned, frozen as his tongue swept through my mouth and wrapped around the half-melted chocolate.
After he let go, he made a swallowing motion and smiled half-seriously, half-jokingly.
“Mmm… really good.”
My lips and tongue still carried his warm, soft sensation. It felt like a thunderclap striking my head—my mind went completely blank. I blushed so hard I couldn’t speak for a long time.
“You’re blushing.” Lu Feng laughed in a very obnoxious way. “So pure, huh.”
Only then did I realize he was teasing me. Embarrassed and annoyed, I grabbed a pillow and smashed it at him without thinking.
“Asshole! Go die!”
He dodged while laughing. “You’re so interesting—like a girl, you actually blush.”
I darkened my face and stopped paying attention to him.
This kind of bad joke didn’t get better later on—in fact, it got worse. Whenever we were together, he would casually pinch my waist or legs when I wasn’t paying attention, and pull even more humiliating tricks. Every time I turned red with anger, he would just laugh loudly: “Just playing around. It’s a joke. Don’t take it so seriously.”
But I was not like him. He could treat everything as a joke, while I took everything seriously.
The boys’ dorm bathroom was shared by the whole floor, divided into bathing stalls, toilets, and sinks. The shower area had no partitions between the shower heads—completely open. Lu Feng and I always chose adjacent showers, chatting while we washed. Recently, because of his ridiculous jokes, the atmosphere between us had become tense, and we were much quieter than usual.
There was no one else in the bathroom. I was quietly washing my hair when Lu Feng suddenly said while splashing water over himself:
“Xiao Chen, your butt is pretty perky.”
I jumped, awkwardly turning around and wiping shampoo foam off my face with a towel, avoiding his gaze.
“Stop being disgusting.”
He wouldn’t let it go. “Has anyone told you your legs look really nice? Long and straight.”
“If you keep talking nonsense, I’ll report you for harassment.”
“Then you can harass me back,” he said with a grin.
I secretly glanced at his bare body and quickly lowered my eyes again. “Forget it. I can’t beat you in being gross.”
Feeling a little uneasy, I quickly finished rinsing and got ready to dry off. Lu Feng was already dressed and standing there waiting for me, putting on a careless, roguish expression while his eyes roamed over me.
I put on my pants and looked up at him. “Stop looking. No harassment allowed.”
He smirked. “I am going to harass you. So what?”
Before I could react, he reached out and, with abnormal force, pinched my chest hard.
I gasped in pain. “What are you doing?!”
“What, angry?” He kept smiling. “Just a joke. Don’t be so petty.”
“…It hurts! You used too much force!”
“Really?” He acted like nothing had happened.
That night in bed, my chest hurt so much I couldn’t sleep. When I opened my sleep shirt to check, my nipple was swollen, faintly tinged with blood. Lu Feng’s strength was terrifyingly strong. I couldn’t understand his sudden, inexplicable violence, nor could I accept his increasingly frivolous behavior toward me.
But he was my best friend. To ruin the friendship over something like this… seemed like an overreaction.
Lu Feng became more and more reckless. He would touch me in front of others, clearly enjoying my panic.
One night after evening self-study, eight boys were chatting in the dorm. When men gathered, they naturally talked about women, and the topic gradually became vulgar. One of them said to Lu Feng, still unsatisfied:
“Lu Feng, why don’t you show us your ‘wife’?”
Lu Feng’s “wife”—there was no one else but me.
The others burst into laughter. My expression darkened as I sat on the edge of Lu Feng’s bed, pretending to read.
Unexpectedly, Lu Feng answered, “Sure.”
He really grabbed me, pinned me down, and sat on my waist.
Whistles and cheers nearly lifted the roof.
Lu Feng held my two arms with one hand and started unbuttoning my shirt with the other without any hesitation.
“Lu Feng! Don’t mess around!” I shouted, panicked and furious.
When my shirt was fully pulled open, the room erupted in excited shouting. Lu Feng still wore that faint, ambiguous smile as he touched me. I didn’t know how far he intended to take this. Even though I knew he wouldn’t actually do anything, the humiliation of being exposed in front of everyone made me bite my lip and struggle desperately.
His hand even slid down to my waist, reaching for my belt. My face turned completely white.
“Lu Feng, don’t go too far!”
“Lu Feng, hurry up!”
“Do it! Hahaha…”
My roommates, clueless and excited, kept cheering.
“Lu Feng, I’m really going to get angry!” I warned weakly.
At that moment, he seemed possessed. His hand went inside my pants and grabbed me.
It felt like an electric shock—I screamed and somehow broke free of his grip, slapping him hard across the face.
“You bastard,” I said through clenched teeth, shaking.
Only then did they finally realize the joke had gone too far.
Silence filled the room.
After a while, Xiao Shang stepped in awkwardly, “Xiao Chen, don’t cry. Lu Feng was just joking.”
Lu Feng stared at me blankly, finally showing a trace of unease.
“Get lost,” I pushed him away hard. “Get out.”
“Xiao Chen, I just—”
“Just joking, right? Then go joke with someone else. Don’t use me as your toy.”
I stopped talking to Lu Feng after that.
Lu Feng was even more arrogant. He didn’t even know how to apologize in the first place, and he certainly wouldn’t lower his head. When we had to face each other, his expression was just as cold as mine.
For several days, I kept dreaming about Lu Feng. In the dreams, that arrogant guy suddenly changed completely, gently holding my hand and saying, “Xiao Chen, I’m sorry, I was wrong, don’t ignore me.” Then I would grab his collar and cry. Halfway through, I would wake up and find myself still on the narrow upper bunk bed, peeking down at Lu Feng’s bed—he was sleeping peacefully.
So you’re just dreaming again, Cheng Yichen.
These kinds of dreams kept repeating, and every time I saw Lu Feng acting indifferent, I silently cursed myself for being pathetic.
“Xiao Chen, don’t be angry. It’s my fault.”
This time I was prepared. “Don’t trick me. I know I’m dreaming.”
But when I opened my eyes, I really saw Lu Feng sitting by my bed, smiling gently.
“You’re awake? Xiao Chen, let’s make up.”
I burst into tears again. “Lu Feng… I just dreamed you talked to me. I was afraid you’d ignore me again when I woke up.”
Lu Feng smiled softly and patted my head. “This isn’t a dream anymore. Stop crying.”
“Ring…”
I suddenly opened my eyes. My heart was pounding violently.
It was the school wake-up bell.
I sat up, wiped the cold sweat off my head, sat in a daze for a moment, then silently got dressed and climbed down.
I glanced at Lu Feng’s bed—it was empty.
Confused, I couldn’t help asking, “Lu Feng didn’t come back last night?”
Everyone was getting up. Xiao Shang, while squeezing acne in the mirror, said enviously, “Lu Feng? Didn’t you know? He’s been dating the beauty from No. 2 High School lately. He’s basically never around. Probably spent the night somewhere with her. That guy moves fast…”
I stood there blankly.
So in just a few days, he already had a girlfriend. Fast as lightning—just like him. Only someone as dull as me would still be emotionally tangled over a friend. A guy like Lu Feng was truly free and easy. He probably never took me seriously anyway. He had so many friends, he didn’t lack one like me, unlike me who only had one or two friends and treated them like treasures.
I thought and suddenly let out a short laugh.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Nothing,” I smiled brightly and waved it off.
It was only half a year of acquaintance anyway. Not a big deal.
I lowered my head, searching for my toothbrush, while my stomach gave a faint twist of pain.
Four morning classes passed and Lu Feng still hadn’t appeared. I didn’t intend to imagine where he was or what he was doing. I focused entirely on notes and exercises, finishing two sets of algebra during breaks—my efficiency higher than ever. My deskmate stared at me in shock.
“Xiao Chen, you’re insane… this is like supersonic speed…”
“Speed matters when solving problems,” I said seriously. “Exams have so many questions. If you’re not fast, you won’t finish.”
“No wonder you always score 20 points higher than me in Chinese…”
At noon break, the lower bunk was still empty. I couldn’t focus anymore and started counting sheep.
“Room 403, Cheng Yichen, phone!”
I ran downstairs.
The only person who would call school was my strict father. A call at this time usually meant something urgent—and never good news.
“Dad!”
“Is this Cheng Yichen?”
“….”
A young woman’s voice.
Wronged already.
“You’re Lu Feng’s good friend, right?”
I hesitated. “Mm…”
“My stupid younger brother got into a fight over a girlfriend and was stabbed. I don’t know if he’s alive. Go check on him for me.”