This happened so suddenly that Gu Mang did not even have time to steady himself. He stumbled helplessly into the depths of the hot spring, swallowing several mouthfuls of spring water before Mo Xi grabbed him with one hand and forcefully pinned him against the edge of the pool.
Mo Xi reached out, intending to remove the silk band from his forehead.
But for some unknown reason, this action triggered a tremendous fear deep within Gu Mang’s heart. He began struggling violently. The sacrificial robe on his body was completely soaked, and beneath Mo Xi he looked like a trapped beast, or a dying fish.
“No… don’t… don’t…”
Deep within his memories, there seemed to have once been someone who had also tried to angrily take this thing away from him. But Gu Mang could not remember who it was. He could not even tell whether this was an illusion in his mind or something that had truly happened.
He only felt that his heart hurt terribly.
He only vaguely knew that this silk band belonged to him…
Something he deserved…
Something he longed for, wanted, yet could only look at from afar…
“Give it back.”
“No… no!”
The two men actually fought in the hot spring over this single object. The water rippled, the moon’s reflection shattered, and in the chaos Gu Mang suddenly bit down on the back of Mo Xi’s hand.
His spiritual core was shattered. His spiritual power was gone. His body was covered in wounds. He was no longer the person he once was at his peak.
He could no longer compare to Mo Xi, who had always been carefully protected and nurtured.
Now, Gu Mang-ge no longer had any ability to contend with his Mo-shidi.
Driven to the very end, he could only resort to such a ridiculous and absurd beast-like action.
To protect an obsession he had been unable to fulfill in life or death.
Mo Xi was truly enraged.
To him, this was an absolute forbidden boundary that could never be touched.
He could tolerate Gu Mang stabbing him.
He could tolerate Gu Mang betraying him.
But this was his father’s final possession.
It was the last thing left behind by his father—the man who had died beneath the Iron Cavalry of the Liao people while protecting the citizens of Chonghua as they evacuated from the battlefield.
How could Gu Mang deserve it?!
Suddenly, a raging fire burned within his chest.
Gu Mang bit down with all his strength. The skin on the back of Mo Xi’s hand broke, and blood seeped out. Yet Mo Xi felt no pain at all.
Those drops of blood seemed to return to his eyes, becoming the blood vessels spreading across his pupils.
He ignored everything.
He violently pulled his hand out of Gu Mang’s mouth, snatched away the silk band, and then slapped Gu Mang across the face.
Smack!
The slap was heavy and vicious, as if he wanted to repay all the hatred accumulated over seven years within that single strike.
Afterward, even Mo Xi’s own palm burned with pain. His fingertips trembled slightly from his overwhelming emotions.
There was hatred in his eyes.
Yet through the mist rising from the hot spring, the depths of his gaze were wet.
Mo Xi’s throat moved.
He endured for a long while before speaking.
The first time, his lips only moved, but no sound came out.
He closed his eyes, calmed himself for a long moment, and finally spoke again.
But his voice was already hoarse beyond recognition.
He rasped:
“…Gu Mang. Do you know how filthy you are?”
Gu Mang turned his face aside. His ears rang from the slap, and he did not respond.
His cheek was swollen. The corner of his lips still carried traces of blood from when he had bitten Mo Xi.
Actually, he did not really understand what Mo Xi meant.
He only vaguely felt that his heart hurt.
As if many years ago, the thing he had always feared was hearing these words from this very man.
Do you know how filthy you are?
Do you know what kind of thing you are?
How could you deserve it?
—It was as if all along, Gu Mang had prepared himself for the day Mo Xi would say these words to him.
Even though his memories had been stripped away, that instinctive defense buried deep within his heart, and the pain brought by that defense, still remained.
Mo Xi took a deep breath, released his grip on him, and said quietly:
“Get out. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
The silk band had been pulled away, leaving an embarrassing red mark on Gu Mang’s forehead.
Gu Mang moved his lips, trying desperately to say something.
But in the end, nothing came out.
He only looked at Mo Xi silently with reddened eyes before climbing out of the pool.
Embarrassed.
Exhausted.
Yes.
He had never been able to compete with him…
He had never been able to compete with anyone.
Rarely had he wanted something so badly.
Yet all he received was this kind of treatment.
Before leaving the hot spring estate, Gu Mang turned back one last time and looked at Mo Xi holding the blue-gold silk band.
He lowered his voice.
“Sorry… but…”
But I really feel that this thing is very important to me.
I really…
Mo Xi did not turn around.
His voice was hoarse.
“Get out.”
“…”
Gu Mang knew there was nothing more he could say.
He bit his still bloodstained lips, lowered his head, and slowly walked out of the courtyard.
When Li Wei saw Gu Mang appear in the main hall, he was so shocked that he could not even speak.
It was not because Housekeeper Li lacked experience.
He simply had no idea what had happened for Gu Mang to end up wearing Mo Xi’s sacrificial robe, completely soaked, walking slowly through the freezing winter night.
Like a wandering soul.
Like a ghost that had barely survived in this world.
“Gu Mang… hey, Gu Mang!”
He called out to him.
But after hearing his voice, Gu Mang only paused briefly.
Then he continued walking with his head lowered toward his own little nest.
Li Wei hurried over and grabbed him.
“What are you doing? Why are you wearing the Lord’s sacrificial robe? Do you know how important this robe is? Do you know—”
“I… know.”
Gu Mang finally spoke.
His mind was damaged. Whenever he became sad, he could no longer form complete sentences. His words became incoherent and disordered.
He tried so hard to express himself, yet all he could force out were broken, stiff phrases between his teeth.
Making him seem ridiculous.
Making him seem foolish.
“…I can… understand. I try… to understand…”
The winter night was unbearably cold.
His soaked clothes clung to his body. When the wind blew, the chill pierced straight into his bones.
He did not know how long he had walked barefoot.
When he lifted his face to look at Li Wei, his lips were already pale and trembling.
“I… also want to understand… I also want to remember…”
Gu Mang painfully covered his head.
“But I can’t do it… I don’t know where I… went wrong again…”
“Always wrong…”
“Always wrong…”
“So you all… treat me like this…”
Li Wei was stunned.
What…
What was going on?
Why was there such a striking red mark on his face?
Why was there blood between his lips and teeth?
And why was he saying these things?
Li Wei suddenly reacted.
“Wait! When I told you to take a bath, you didn’t go to the hot spring behind the estate, did you?!”
Gu Mang said nothing.
His lips pressed tightly together.
“You’re crazy?! That is where the Lord bathes! Didn’t I already tell you he has a cleanliness obsession? Do you even understand your own identity? Do you know how filthy you—”
But Gu Mang suddenly shuddered, as if he was terrified of hearing that word from someone else again.
He grabbed Li Wei’s hand and interrupted him.
He trembled.
He tried desperately to maintain his dignity like a wounded wolf refusing to fall.
But his blue eyes blinked.
And tears shattered inside them.
Gu Mang trembled as he said:
“Yes… I know.”
“I’m filthy.”
“From now on… I won’t do it again.”
“But…”
His eyes hesitated.
His eyelashes trembled.
Suddenly, he choked.
He did not even know why he was so sad.
He suddenly crouched down, curling himself into a small, miserable ball.
That man who had experienced victory and defeat.
Who had been loyal and rebellious.
Who had once stood at the peak.
Yet still could not change the humiliation carved into his bones.
Aside from his scars and the sins the world accused him of, he still possessed nothing.
Even touching that silk band symbolizing the blood of a hero was enough to bring him the cruelest humiliation.
He buried himself in the dust.
His neck bent so low, as if crushed beneath something he himself had already forgotten.
Gu Mang sobbed:
“You don’t understand…”
“None of you understand…”
“What I should have…”
“What I should have…”
Li Wei was completely helpless.
Although he was a little gossipy and often had a sharp tongue, he had always been kind-hearted.
He had no personal hatred toward Gu Mang.
So when he saw this miserable man suddenly crying curled up in front of him, he did not know what to say.
After standing awkwardly for a long time, he finally asked:
“What is it that you should have?”
But Gu Mang could not explain either.
That silk band.
What it meant.
What it represented.
He no longer remembered.
He also knew clearly that the object belonged to Mo Xi.
He did not understand why it caused such unbearable pain inside him.
“What exactly belongs to you?” Li Wei sighed helplessly.
“Every blade of grass and every tree in Xihe Manor belongs to the Lord. Even me, even you—we all belong to the Lord. What could we possibly have?”
He patted Gu Mang’s shoulder.
“Get up. Hurry and change out of these clothes.”
“If someone else sees you wearing a first-rank official’s sacrificial robe, the entire Xihe Manor may suffer because of you.”
Gu Mang returned to his little “nest” made from broken quilts and old tables and chairs.
He had no attachment to the cold, damp clothing on his body.
He went inside, removed the clothes, changed back into his only wrinkled cotton robe, and returned the sacrificial robe to Li Wei.
Li Wei took the robe.
Originally, he wanted to say a few more words.
But looking at Gu Mang like this, he felt he did not know what to say.
He could only sigh and leave.
As he walked away, he muttered:
“Fortunately there are two sets of sacrificial robes… otherwise this would really be a disaster…”
Inside the dim little room, Gu Mang sat down.
Fan Dou woke up.
The large black dog came over, as if it sensed his sadness.
It nudged him with its warm head, whining softly, and licked his cheek.
Gu Mang hugged it.
“You don’t dislike me for being dirty, do you?”
Fan Dou wagged its tail and placed its paws on his leg.
In the darkness, Gu Mang opened his eyes.
This was the first time since regaining consciousness that he felt “unwillingness.”
And “pain.”
But he did not understand what these feelings were.
They made him extremely uncomfortable.
Like an illness.
A pain worse than punishment from whips and rods.
Gu Mang closed his eyes and touched Fan Dou’s head.
Softly, he said:
“Fan Dou, I don’t dislike you for being dirty either.”
“Woof…”
“The two of us brothers…”
“Here.”
“We have food to eat.”
Gu Mang rubbed its slightly cool, damp nose.
“So even if it hurts a little…”
“I can endure it.”
“It’s okay.”
“Woof!”
Gu Mang pressed his hand against his chest and choked:
“It’s okay…”
“This little bit of pain…”
“I can endure it…”
“I can endure it…”
Once you get used to it, it won’t hurt anymore.
If you endure a little longer, everything will pass.
Everything will pass.
The next morning, Mo Xi pushed open the door of his bedroom.
He had already changed into his sacrificial ceremonial robe.
Every year, the people of the manor looked forward to this day, believing that Xihe Jun looked especially handsome and dignified when wearing his formal robes.
But this year, when he entered the hall, the servants waiting there all froze slightly.
Xihe Jun clearly had not slept the entire night.
His expression was terrible.
There was even a faint shadow beneath his eyes.
He sat at the table.
Li Wei had already arranged the dishes.
As usual, there was no extravagance.
Only two bamboo baskets of fresh soup dumplings, a bowl of premium clay-pot fish slice porridge, a plate of sweet-and-sour crispy fish, vinegar-pickled radish, sesame-oil mixed fern, crystal tofu, and a small plate of decorative pastries.
Mo Xi sat there for a while.
He did not pick up his chopsticks.
“Lord?”
Li Wei cautiously called out.
Mo Xi glanced at the empty seat opposite him.
He said nothing.
After a while, he lifted a bowl of porridge and silently began eating.
The water clock on the table beside them dripped steadily.
Mo Xi ate a little.
Then, as if he had lost his appetite, he stopped.
He looked at Li Wei.
“It is about time. We need to prepare to depart from the east gate.”
He paused.
Then said stiffly:
“Call him out. Let him follow Xihe Manor’s ceremonial procession.”
“I will leave first.”
Li Wei answered.
But inwardly, he thought:
It seemed Gu Mang must have done something yesterday that greatly angered the Lord.
Originally, Mo Xi intended to give Gu Mang the position of personal guard so he could keep an eye on him at all times.
But now, Mo Xi seemed indifferent.
He did not even want Gu Mang near him.
He simply threw him into the ceremonial guards.
As long as he did not cause trouble under his nose, that was enough.
But…
Could entering the hot spring really make him this angry?
Li Wei felt uneasy.
But he did not dare think too deeply.
He was a clever person.
He understood clearly that some things, once known, could hurt far more than remaining unknown.
Curiosity was not the most unbearable thing in this world.
Keeping secrets was.
With the mindset of willingly remaining ignorant, Li Wei pushed those strange thoughts aside.
Following orders, he went to the back courtyard and called Gu Mang out of his “nest.”
Gu Mang listened to his arrangements without causing trouble.
Being mentally impaired had its advantages.
After one night, he had already calmed down considerably.
Hearing that he would follow the ceremonial guards, he simply went along without objection.
However, Li Wei was still uneasy.
After bringing him to the guards, he spoke with the captain and handed over the medicine pouch.
“This is the calming medicine prescribed by Physician Jiang.”
“I estimate the Lord will watch him drink it, but that may not happen.”
“In any case, you are responsible.”
“If Gu Mang refuses to drink it, force it down.”
“This medicine is not something to joke about.”
The captain accepted it.
The group then set off.