Mo Xi’s low, measured voice sounded beside his ear, exactly as it had in his memories, except that it now carried hesitation and anger.
“Is this what you meant when you said you were fine?”
Gu Mang: “…”
Mo Xi had actually noticed long ago that something was wrong with Gu Mang. But after asking him once or twice, Gu Mang always said he was fine. Moreover, Mo Xi himself did not want to become involved with Gu Mang in any way that he shouldn’t anymore. So although he knew something was wrong, he had not interfered.
But the thatched hut was too small.
He still could not help glancing from time to time at the person curled up in the corner, deliberately keeping his distance from him.
He knew Gu Mang was suffering, suppressing himself…
He had even noticed what Gu Mang had been doing afterward.
Mo Xi thought that Gu Mang had probably truly let go of the past, that he genuinely did not want any further entanglement with him. Thus, even though Gu Mang had once been a pleasure-loving military rogue who could laugh and say, “It’s only sleeping together. As long as we’re both satisfied, that’s enough,” he would rather silently endure his desire alone than expose it before Mo Xi.
Gu Mang could smile at Jiang Yexue. He could speak normally with Murong Chuyi. He could even speak gently to that little Wu bird they had just captured.
Only toward him was Gu Mang cold.
Gu Mang had truly let him go.
That fragment of broken pride and dignity made Mo Xi want to pretend he had seen nothing.
But after hearing Gu Mang’s restrained, pained breathing several times…
He still could not sit still.
In the end, he himself did not know what sort of feelings he was carrying. But at last, he rose and came to the trembling figure, bent down, and wrapped the man who had his back toward him in his arms.
Gu Mang’s startled reaction and muffled cry made Mo Xi’s heart tremble.
Thus, despite everything, he finally broke his vow never to touch Gu Mang again and tried to ease the unbearable torment afflicting him.
Gu Mang instinctively pressed against his warm chest, his chin and neck slightly raised.
“No… don’t…”
Mo Xi’s voice was low and hoarse.
“Close your eyes. Just pretend I’m not me.”
Gu Mang’s brows tightened, the words caught in his throat.
At that moment, he was extraordinarily vulnerable.
Yet even within that vulnerability, his soul remained stubbornly unyielding.
He wanted to say:
How could you possibly not be you?
It has always been you.
Mo Xi… only you…
But these unspeakable feelings could ultimately go no farther than remaining thoughts.
The two of them were like this: one believed the other had severed all ties, while the other believed he had a heart of stone. For one reason or another, neither was willing to approach the other.
But love and desire were bottomless abysses.
They had already stepped into one, falling endlessly through the darkness. The only thing either could grasp was the other.
As Mo Xi moved, the last remnants of Gu Mang’s reason finally collapsed. The tiny fragment of clarity remaining to him could barely keep him from calling Mo Xi’s name in the heat of the moment.
He was like a beast trapped in a sea of desire, desperately struggling to escape the prison of an old love.
But he could not.
Mo Xi understood him too well. He could effortlessly awaken the fire within him, leaving Gu Mang weak and trembling.
Gu Mang tilted his head back, leaning into Mo Xi’s embrace and breathing unevenly.
His eyes had already reddened, moisture gathering at their long corners. His whole body trembled as he lay weakly against Mo Xi.
“Let… let me go…”
His words were harsh, but his voice was so soft and unsteady that it seemed ready to melt.
Clearly, he wanted to say something fierce.
Yet what emerged was little more than a broken plea.
“…Please let me go…”
By the end, even Gu Mang could no longer hold himself together. He was almost begging.
No one knew how painful it was to suppress both the instinctive desire raging through his body and the love he had buried so deeply.
He had lost his memories. He had walked a path of no return. He had even carved away two of his souls.
He did not know how long the consciousness restored by the Mirror of Time would last, or whether the clarity Heaven had pitied him enough to return would soon be taken away again.
He had already lost so much.
And the man behind him was the last warmth and light he could embrace at this moment.
Yet he still had to suppress himself.
Gu Mang was almost breaking down.
“Please… let me go…”
Let me go. Don’t come any closer.
I’m human too. I can feel unwillingness. I can regret the road I’ve chosen.
But I can’t turn back now.
Please… don’t torment me anymore.
I know there is only a cold night ahead. Your warmth will make me hesitate, make me afraid to continue forward.
I’m already a traitor, Mo Xi.
I don’t want to become a coward again.
But what was Mo Xi supposed to do?
Holding him, Mo Xi was hurting too.
He did not even understand which of them should let the other go, or which of them had the right to forgive the other.
Because Gu Mang did not want him to touch him, he had even uttered the miserable words, “Just pretend I’m not me.”
But even then…
Was Gu Mang truly rejecting him?
Mo Xi’s arm loosened slightly from the hurt and stunned silence of that moment.
Gu Mang was like a sparrow finally released from a cage. He stumbled as he tried to crawl away, wanting to find somewhere farther from Mo Xi.
But the demonic blood inside him was still boiling, and his desire was still surging.
His waist was weak, and he had almost no strength left.
He only managed to raise half his body before collapsing again into the straw.
The hut had no idea how many demons had once tangled together within it. The golden straw carried a strong, unpleasant scent.
Gu Mang let out a vague, broken sound and turned over.
His translucent blue eyes were wide open, their focus scattered.
Then he saw Mo Xi standing.
His figure was reflected in Gu Mang’s eyes.
This is so humiliating, Gu Mang thought.
He knew perfectly well what kind of state he was in.
Yet Mo Xi remained immaculate, his robes not even disordered.
The effects of the incense surged more fiercely through Gu Mang’s body. He frowned in pain and raised a hand.
“You…”
He had intended to say:
Go away.
Don’t look at me.
But the heat surged over him before he could finish.
He bit down on his lip.
Mo Xi misunderstood the gesture, thinking Gu Mang wanted him to help him stand.
So he took Gu Mang’s hand.
That tiny contact was enough to shatter the last restraint holding Gu Mang together.
He failed to stand.
Instead, he pulled Mo Xi down with him.
Mo Xi fell heavily onto him, and the soft straw sank beneath them.
Gu Mang tilted his head back and let out a low, strained sound.
They were pressed extremely close.
He could feel Mo Xi’s body against his own, and the familiar sensation made his waist weaken.
His lips trembled. The light in his blue eyes scattered.
A moment ago, he could still say, “Let me go.”
But the intense demonic desire had now burned through the last of his restraint.
He could only look up at Mo Xi’s handsome face, biting his lower lip without being able to say another word.
Instinct was forcing his true feelings to the surface.
For all these years…
He had done countless ruthless things.
He had walked roads stained with blood.
He had abandoned so many things.
Only Mo Xi was different.
Mo Xi had not been abandoned by him.
He had been cut away.
With a knife, inch by inch, Gu Mang had carved him out of his own flesh and torn him from his heart.
Actually, when he had watched Mo Xi amid that rain of bat blood, his heart had already been beating faster.
Wildly.
Yet he had hidden all of it beneath an expression of indifference.
How could it truly have been that way?
He loved him so much.
He missed him so much.
He thought of him while serving in Cao’s camp.
He thought of him during rainy nights aboard the pleasure boat.
Deep within those shattered fragments of memory, he loved him, remembered him, yearned for him.
Gu Mang bit his lip tightly, tears shimmering in his eyes.
They were partly tears caused by his torment.
But even more, they came from being pushed to the absolute limit.
He wanted, just once, to abandon all restraint and be selfish.
He wanted to say:
Take me.
Have me.
Please… save me.
I’ve been drowning in this sea of blood for eight years.
Can you hold me again?
I miss you.
Ever since I carved you out of my heart, that wound has never healed.
Gu Mang blinked.
Something hot and wet slid from the corner of his eye into his hair.
Mo Xi reached up and touched his cheek.
“It’s only… to dispel the poison…”
Gu Mang closed his eyes, his throat tightening.
“…I’ll… treat you… as someone else.”
His fingers trembled violently around Mo Xi’s wrist.
“I’ll treat you… as… another person.”
He opened his eyes.
He saw the light in Mo Xi’s eyes go out.
What remained was an endless, bone-chilling night.
Mo Xi looked heartbroken.
But just as Gu Mang had once learned to hide his true feelings behind laughter and irreverence, his junior brother had finally learned to hide his own feelings behind coldness.
His Mo Xi was no longer the young man from that snowy battlefield eight years ago, the boy who, after realizing his love, had run through snow and wind simply to confess it.
Neither of them was that person anymore.
The pain disappeared beneath Mo Xi’s dark eyes.
Coldness rose in its place.
Mo Xi gritted his teeth.
The next moment, Gu Mang was violently turned over and forced face-down into the straw.
This posture…
This situation…
It truly resembled an outlet for desire, something entirely unrelated to love.
Because of the poison, Gu Mang’s body was unbearably sensitive. Wherever Mo Xi touched him, a faint flush appeared.
He buried his face in the golden straw, his cheek turned slightly to one side as he breathed unevenly.
His mind was a complete mess.
He could feel Mo Xi’s anger and frustration, and the desperate emotions that had accumulated between them for eight long years.
They had once shared countless moments of intimacy.
Now, everything had become distorted by resentment, longing, and the need to survive the poison.
Gu Mang could no longer tell where the physical torment ended and the emotional pain began.
The useless man who had been losing ever since the battle at Fengming Mountain had lost to the political struggle.
He had lost to conspiracies.
And now, he had lost to desire.
Mo Xi loosened the restraints of his own clothing.
Gu Mang buried his face in the straw and could say nothing.
The two of them were drawn deeper into their tangled embrace, each movement stirring memories neither wanted to acknowledge.
Once, Gu Mang had been the one to guide Mo Xi through such intimacy.
After so many years, Mo Xi had not forgotten.
He had merely kept himself pure because he had recognized only one person.
Only ever that one person.
The sensations and memories returned with painful clarity.
Gu Mang vaguely wanted to turn around and look at the man he loved so deeply.
Instead, Mo Xi covered his eyes.
“You…”
“You’ll probably feel better if you don’t look at my face.”
“……”
Gu Mang’s long eyelashes trembled beneath the covering.
He did not know what expression Mo Xi wore when he said those words.
He had no time to think about it.
Soon, he was once again surrounded by the softness of the straw and the warmth of Mo Xi’s body.
His mind was hazy.
He could no longer think clearly.
Yet that was precisely what made it so painful.
His desire might be temporarily soothed, but his reason was steadily being destroyed.
Mo Xi did not kiss him.
He did not treat him with the tenderness he once had.
For the first time, there was no lingering affection between them.
Only the desperate need to end the torment.
“Why are you trembling so much?”
“……”
Mo Xi held him from behind.
Gu Mang’s legs were weak, his body already at its limit.
But his trembling was not simply caused by pleasure.
Nor was it caused by fear.
Mo Xi had loved him too many times in the past.
Even after so many years, he could still recognize the difference.
Gu Mang’s lips trembled.
He stubbornly forced out the words:
“I’m fine…”
But when Mo Xi touched the covering over his eyes, he discovered that it was damp with tears.
“…Are you still hurting?”
Gu Mang bit his wet lower lip without answering.
He could not see anything before him.
But he could feel Mo Xi’s hand turning his face toward him.
Mo Xi’s voice was close enough that Gu Mang could clearly feel his breath.
“Because it’s me, even after this poison has driven you to this state, you still don’t want me. Is that right?”
“……”
Silence.
Mo Xi said:
“Gu Mang. How much do you not want me?”
Gu Mang was lowered onto the straw, lying on his back.
He could not see what was happening and instinctively raised a hand to remove the covering over his eyes.
His wrist was caught.
Mo Xi had perhaps truly been driven mad by this torment.
The man who had once been so upright and restrained now had emotions so deeply suppressed that they had almost twisted into something painful.
He would not let Gu Mang remove the covering.
Instead, he held him close, his voice and movements filled with the bitterness of someone who had endured too much for too long.
Gu Mang’s body trembled beneath him.
“Mo… Mo Xi…”
“You don’t have to call my name.”
Gu Mang’s throat moved.
“You… ah—!”
The overwhelming sensations broke apart whatever words remained.
His body had been reforged by demonic power, and his sensitivity was no longer what it had once been.
The pain and pleasure became indistinguishable.
Mo Xi’s expression darkened.
“How can you…”
He could not finish the sentence.
Gu Mang was breathing heavily.
The effects of the poison had made his body respond in ways neither of them could control.
He was already at the edge of endurance.
“Come closer…”
His fingers searched blindly until they found Mo Xi’s arm, gripping it tightly.
“…Mo Xi… I feel terrible…”
No one spoke.
Just when Gu Mang thought Mo Xi would ignore him, Mo Xi’s arms tightened around him.
Perhaps it was for his own dignity.
Perhaps it was for Gu Mang.
Or perhaps it was for two people whose hearts remained bound together like glue and lacquer, yet who had been separated by countless barriers and could no longer openly love each other.
They had both secretly longed for such an excuse for far too long.
Mo Xi’s voice was hoarse.
“Just as you said.”
“Right now, all I can do, all I should do, is help you dispel the poison.”
He paused.
“…Nothing else matters.”
The night continued.
The poison slowly reached its peak before gradually fading.
For Gu Mang, every sensation was magnified by the demonic blood within him. For Mo Xi, every moment was tangled with eight years of restraint, resentment, longing, and grief.
Neither of them dared to call what happened between them love.
They could only pretend it was the poison.
Pretend it was necessity.
Pretend that the man in their arms was someone else.
But their bodies remembered what their hearts refused to admit.
When everything finally quieted, the two of them lay tangled together among the straw, breathing heavily.
For a long while, neither spoke.
Only then did they clearly realize that, despite deliberately distancing themselves from each other for so long, fate had once again cruelly brought them together.
Mo Xi hesitated.
Then, amid the lingering warmth of their intimacy, he reached down and covered Gu Mang’s hand with his own.
Their fingers trembled as they intertwined.
Gu Mang’s breathing gradually steadied.
He lowered his eyelashes weakly and whispered:
“Don’t pull away yet…”
“……”
His voice was faint, almost scattered.
“My constitution…”
His throat moved.
“It’s not the same as before.”
“Give it a little more time. The demonic blood will absorb it…”
“When it’s all absorbed…”
He paused.
“…I’ll be fine.”
This was the first time Mo Xi had heard Gu Mang speak about the body that had been reforged within the Liao Kingdom.
His heart ached.
He held Gu Mang’s sweaty fingers.
His breath was right beside Gu Mang’s ear.
All he needed to do was lean forward slightly, and he could kiss Gu Mang’s cheek.
As the lingering warmth faded, everything seemed so much like eight years ago, back when they had not yet been separated by a sea of blood and hatred.
There was only one thing missing.
A kiss.
But that kiss could never fall.
Both of them understood perfectly.
What this night could soothe was only the desire of their bodies.
The emptiness and unwillingness in their hearts would remain buried in their bones and marrow forever.
There was no cure for it in this lifetime.