Mo Xi abruptly lifted his head.
In the dim candlelight, Gu Mang’s lashes trembled lightly before he slowly opened his eyes. Those blue eyes were as deep as the sea.
He stared dazedly at Mo Xi. His consciousness had not yet fully returned, and only instinct controlled his expression. Thus, that thin, pale face was relaxed and soft, looking exactly as “Gu Mang-gege” should have looked—so incredibly gentle.
“My princess… why are you crying…?”
He murmured with a sigh, but before Mo Xi could answer, the dreamlike expression on Gu Mang’s face disappeared. He gradually became fully conscious.
And then, almost visibly, one emotion after another surged forth—shock, fear, obsession, cruelty, remorse…
Each emotion was a fragment of his past, rushing in like a tide and washing away every trace of gentleness from his eyes.
Once those emotions faded, Gu Mang suddenly sat up and pulled his hand from Mo Xi’s palm. His face wore the fierce mask he had long since become accustomed to putting on.
“Mo Xi, are you crazy?! Who told you to come looking for me in the Asura Realm? Do you know—”
But he was interrupted by Mo Xi’s sudden embrace.
The man’s warm, solid arms held him tightly, as though he were rescuing Gu Mang from a lake frozen three feet deep, pulling him into the warmth of a long-lost April in the human world.
Gu Mang’s blue eyes widened instantly.
Being held by Mo Xi like this left him so shocked and frightened that he actually forgot what he had intended to say.
Mo Xi held him tightly, his chin resting against the crown of Gu Mang’s head. He kept kissing him and gently stroking his hair.
“I already know everything.”
Just those words made Gu Mang’s entire body tense.
He struggled, wanting to shove Mo Xi away. But before he could exert any strength, he felt the man holding him trembling slightly.
Mo Xi said hoarsely, “Senior Brother, don’t say anything foolish anymore. And don’t do anything foolish anymore.”
Gu Mang was almost at a loss.
All these years, he had always hidden himself extremely well. He had built the hardest shell around himself, allowing the world to see only his cold decisiveness, hatred, and brutality.
But after waking from a single sleep, he discovered that his disguise had been shattered into pieces.
The person he most wanted to protect was standing before him with red-rimmed eyes, reaching out and touching that soft heart of his that had nowhere left to hide.
Almost instinctively, he denied it.
“Mo Xi—you only know part of the truth. Besides, what does my business have to do with you? I already told you, you and I are not on the same path. I don’t… I don’t…”
Mo Xi’s response was to place a hand against the back of his head.
His voice was deep and thick with emotion, carrying a nasal quality as he said:
“You’re simply not that kind of person.”
Gu Mang: “…”
It was as though there were a layer of ice between them.
Mo Xi, on the outside, wanted to embrace the Gu Mang beneath the ice.
No matter how cold the ice was, he refused to retreat.
And so, little by little, the ice began to melt.
Little by little, it began to collapse.
“You never wanted to kill. You never wanted to wage war. You never once thought of hurting me, and you never thought of taking revenge on anyone…”
Mo Xi’s voice was low.
When Gu Mang had been asleep just moments ago, he had cried.
But now that Gu Mang was awake, he refused to cry anymore.
Gu Mang had already suffered enough. He did not want this soft yet resilient life to worry about him or suffer on his behalf any longer.
“Eight years, Gu Mang. You must have suffered a lot…”
“I’m sorry. I was the one who failed to understand you.”
With every word he spoke, Gu Mang’s trembling in his arms became more pronounced.
And when Mo Xi finished that final sentence, it was as if something had finally crushed Gu Mang.
He curled in on himself so violently that Mo Xi could even hear the low sobs caught in his throat, and he could feel something warm and wet soaking into his chest.
“No… no, no…”
Gu Mang pushed at him frantically.
Mo Xi had always seen his Gu Mang-gege as clever and quick-witted.
But now, driven into a dead end and still struggling to lie just to protect him, refusing to let him come near, his Gu-shixiong was clumsy.
Clumsy to the point of stubbornness.
Clumsy to the point of being pitiful.
So clumsy that his entire heart, his entire being, began to ache in countless intertwined threads.
Gu Mang did not know what else he could explain, or what else he could sacrifice.
He had simply spent his entire life protecting others.
That protection had become an instinct carved into his very bones.
And once he could no longer accomplish it, he became as helpless as a blind dragon with its claws severed.
He kept repeating:
“It’s not like that… You don’t understand…”
Mo Xi took his hand, his eyes slightly red.
“Do you really have to push me away?”
“…”
“After all these years, Senior Brother, do you know what hurt me the most? It wasn’t that you stabbed me. It wasn’t that you left me.
“It was that you became someone I didn’t recognize at all…
“Do you know how devastated I was back then?”
“I know you wanted to protect me. You didn’t want to drag me into this. But I already told you before—I have no one in this world I can call family except you.
“When you were protecting me, why didn’t you think about what would actually be the cruelest thing for me?
“Do you really think I’d be afraid of suffering alongside you? Afraid of being condemned and blamed by everyone?
“What I’m afraid of is that you’ll never come back to me again.
“Gu Mang, I’m afraid you’ll leave!”
Mo Xi closed his eyes.
Even if he could hold back his tears, his lashes were already damp.
“For all these years… I’ve always been sincere with you.
“Before, I always hoped that my sincerity could be exchanged for your genuine feelings.
“But after everything we’ve been through, whether you love me or whether you want to be with me—none of that matters anymore…
“I only ask you…”
He stroked Gu Mang’s hair and lowered his eyes to kiss the corner of Gu Mang’s forehead. He forced down the tremble in his voice and said hoarsely:
“I only ask that you give me the chance to protect you and stay by your side…
“I only want to watch over you…
“Can’t you really tell me any of the truth? Can’t you let me share even a tiny bit of the burden you’ve been carrying on your shoulders?”
“Gu Mang… I’m also your brother-in-arms. Would you really rather push me into a freezing abyss and make me live in such unbearable pain…?”
His words were so sincere, so deeply affectionate, yet Gu Mang only felt more and more miserable.
Eight years.
From the day Gu Mang decided to become a secret agent and infiltrator, he had already planned for Mo Xi’s future.
But at that time, they had still been so young. They had yet to experience the suffering of love.
So Gu Mang naively believed that as long as he became cruel enough, this young man would eventually feel that loving him was too painful.
As long as it hurt enough, Mo Xi would eventually let go.
But he kept waiting.
And waiting.
He had stabbed Mo Xi until his palms were covered in blood.
He had wounded Mo Xi all over.
Yet Mo Xi had never once let him go.
All these years, Gu Mang had always hoped that Mo Xi would gradually let go of their love from the past.
He hoped Mo Xi could live a peaceful, stable life, marry a gentle and virtuous wife, and have a group of lively, adorable children.
The uncontrollable love and passion of their reckless youth would eventually be washed away by the years until it became nothing more than an ink stain too blurred to recognize.
That was how Gu Mang had always planned things for Mo Xi.
But in the end, he had gotten one thing wrong.
Love and not loving in this world could indeed change.
But the heart would always remain the same.
Mo Xi had never been a careless person.
From the day he decided to confess his feelings to Gu Mang, what he gave Gu Mang was not merely his love.
It was his heart.
His…
Suddenly, Gu Mang realized that something was wrong.
Pressed against Mo Xi’s chest, he could sense how weak Mo Xi’s spiritual energy was.
His spiritual core was almost shattered.
The scene from the Asura Realm before he lost consciousness seemed to flash before his eyes again.
When Mo Xi had come to save him, his face had been frighteningly pale.
Could it be…
Gu Mang suddenly raised his head.
“Where did you learn all these truths?”
“…”
“You went to Bat Island again? You used the Mirror of Time again?”
Mo Xi looked at his suddenly tense face.
He gazed into those anxious, frightened blue eyes.
Slowly, a soft and sorrowful smile appeared between his brows and eyes.
“Are you worried about me?”
Before Gu Mang could answer, Mo Xi seemed afraid that he would be denied or rejected. He lowered his head and kissed the center of Gu Mang’s brows.
“I’m fine.”
But Gu Mang’s heart felt as though it had been ripped apart.
Countless possibilities surged into his mind and then faded away.
Only one answer remained, unmistakably clear.
This time, Gu Mang did not ask.
He murmured, tears flowing down his soft cheeks.
“…The Jade Slip of Recorded History…”
His long lashes fluttered shut.
Gu Mang endured.
He suppressed himself.
He seemed to want to say something else to draw a clear line between them.
But…
Eight years.
He had endured every cruelty of life and death, yet in the end, none of it had been able to stop Mo Xi from following his footsteps along this thorn-covered path.
The obstacles he had set.
The dangers he had left behind.
In the end, none of them had stopped that young man’s steps.
His little junior brother had still caught up with him.
In the darkness, he turned his head and saw that the lover he had left behind eight years ago was no longer so young.
He was travel-worn and covered in blood.
The only thing that had not changed was those stubborn, dark, shining eyes.
The lover he had abandoned had run toward him, caught up with him, and then stood among the thorns, breathing heavily, saying to him—
Senior Brother, Gu Mang, I’ve come to take you home.
Let’s go home.
The ice suddenly shattered completely.
It broke into thousands upon thousands of crystalline fragments of light.
And the person who had been frozen and sleeping beneath the ice for so long was finally gathered into the arms of his little junior brother.
Gu Mang suddenly could not hold it in anymore.
The string that had remained taut for eight years finally snapped.
He finally broke down and sobbed aloud.
He kept saying:
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
I belittled your feelings.
I failed to understand that stubborn, unwavering heart of yours.
I presumptuously made choices for you without ever asking which path you wanted to take.
I failed to respect your wishes.
I failed to understand what mattered most to you, and instead forced my own calculations onto your fate.
I’ve been deceiving you all this time… never giving you the chance to walk beside me…
Eight years.
I hurt you.
I harmed you.
I pushed you away.
I made you suffer.
I did everything I could to disappoint you.
I even nearly took your life—
Why won’t you turn back, you silly fool, my princess?
Why did you still risk being shattered to uncover the truth, then come to me through wind and rain, covered in wounds?
Why are you so, so foolish?
“Mo Xi, I’m sorry…”
The hand Mo Xi was stroking through his hair paused slightly.
He misunderstood what Gu Mang meant.
So he said:
“It’s all right. I know what you chose. And I know how much you endured for that choice, what you suffered, and what you sacrificed…
“You don’t have to apologize to me.
“Actually, I told you before. If you truly don’t love me and want to be free, I won’t force you anymore. I won’t make demands of you. As long as you can come back…”
As he spoke, the rims of his eyes slowly reddened.
His lips gently touched Gu Mang’s forehead.
Like the most devout prayer.
“As long as you’re all right, as long as you let me stay beside you, as long as you give me the chance to share your burdens with you…
“Gu Mang, my good senior brother.
“That will be enough.”
Having said this much, he was probably afraid that his embrace would make Gu Mang uncomfortable.
So he lowered his head and affectionately brushed his chin against Gu Mang’s forehead once more before preparing to let go.
But at that very moment, a powerful force suddenly pulled him back into an embrace.
Gu Mang threw his arms around him.
Like a beast separated from its pack finally finding its companions again, Gu Mang had completely broken down and could no longer even cry out coherently.
This man, who had been displaced and alone for far too long, who had endured far too much, who had guarded his secret alone for eight years, finally collapsed in his lover’s arms and wept bitterly.
His forehead pressed against Mo Xi’s chest.
Almost like a howl of grief, he seemed determined to let every bit of bitterness and suffering he had accumulated over all these years flow away through these tears.
Gu Mang tightly wrapped his arms around Mo Xi’s waist.
The long, soft outer corners of his eyes were wet and pitifully red.
At last, through his tears, he spoke the words that had been fermenting in his heart for all these years, words that had nearly rotted from being held inside for so long:
“…It hurts so much…
“Mo Xi…
“It really hurts so much…”
Held in Gu Mang’s arms, Mo Xi felt as though a drowning man had finally seized hold of a piece of driftwood.
The embrace was so desperate, so exhausted.
His heart clenched painfully.
He stroked Gu Mang’s head and murmured softly:
“I know. I know…”
“I do everything alone…
“Everything I do, I can only do alone…
“For all these years, I couldn’t tell anyone around me even a single thing that was truly in my heart.
“And I still had to kill the people of my own country. Cultivators…
“My own brothers-in-arms…
“It hurt so much…
“Mo Xi…”
Mo Xi choked back a sob.
“Yes… I know. I know everything…”
“I was really about to go crazy…
“It was as if every day and every night, every single moment, there was a knife stabbing viciously into me.
“And yet I still had to say…
‘Good. That’s good. Keep stabbing. Make it hurt.’
”
Gu Mang trembled and closed his eyes in pain.
“…I don’t want to kill people…
“I want to go back to Chonghua…
“I want Lu Zhanxing to still be alive.
“I want none of this to have ever happened…”
“I know. I know. Say it. You’ll feel better once you’ve said it.
“I’m here with you.
“I’ll always be by your side…”
But Gu Mang stopped speaking.
He opened those blue eyes, washed crystal-clear by tears.
After a long while, he murmured softly:
“I don’t want to leave you either…”
“I—”
Mo Xi had originally intended to keep comforting him, repeating that he knew and understood everything.
But upon hearing those words, he froze.
For a very long time, neither of them broke the silence.
There was only the sound of their heartbeats.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
So urgent.
So fast.
As though the truth buried deep within their hearts for so many years was finally about to break through the soil.
Gu Mang spoke softly.
That resilient, powerful man who had always radiated a reassuring strength was now so timid.
Like someone who had lived in poverty for so long that he had forgotten what it was like to receive anything precious, cautiously opening his arms and trying to embrace an expensive gift he had once believed he was destined never to have.
He said quietly:
“I don’t want to lie to you…
“I don’t want you to leave.
“I… I never wanted you to…”
“…”
“I don’t want to watch you leave.
“I don’t want to watch you be with anyone else.”
Mo Xi’s hand stopped.
His handsome, refined face suddenly went pale, then suddenly flushed red.
He had clearly already given up hope.
He had thought that even if they could only be senior and junior brothers from now on, that would be fine.
As long as Gu Mang could be healthy, happy, relaxed, and free, anything would be enough.
He would never pressure him again.
Never force him.
Never make things difficult for him.
But Gu Mang’s words were like relighting the fire Mo Xi had just extinguished with his own hands.
Gu Mang closed his eyes.
The disguise he had maintained for so many years finally collapsed completely at this moment.
He said:
“Mo Xi, I really do like you…”
Mo Xi’s heartbeat seemed to stop at that very moment.
He looked at the person before him.
At that tear-streaked, haggard, yet utterly genuine face.
Even in the best dream of his entire life, he had never dared imagine hearing Gu Mang sincerely say these words.
“I like you.
“I’ve always liked you…
“I’m sorry. I was too selfish before.
“I never thought about what you truly wanted, or what you were truly afraid of.
“I only wanted to protect you in my own way, but I didn’t know…
“I didn’t know…”
I didn’t know you would stumble after me across eight years, sacrificing the best years of your youth just to bring me home.
I didn’t know that you had already decided, when you were so young, that one person would be yours for your entire life.
I didn’t know that after everything we went through, you would still be willing to stay with me—even if it meant going to hell.
Gu Mang did not continue.
Mo Xi lifted his face.
His eyes were wet as he raised his hand and slowly wiped the tears from Gu Mang’s cheeks.
In a low voice, he said:
“You didn’t know that I liked you just as much?
“That I could love you for so long?”
Gu Mang lowered his lashes and said softly:
“I’m sorry… for lying to you for so many years.”
“…”
“Do you still want me?”
“Fool…”
Mo Xi’s heart was trembling, yet he desperately tried to maintain his composure.
“From the very first time I confessed to you, I told you that once I chose someone, it would be for a lifetime.”
He could not cry in front of Gu Mang anymore.
He had warned himself of that.
So he curved those tearful phoenix eyes into a smile that seemed infinitely brilliant and infinitely sorrowful at the same time.
“I promised you that the things I promised would last for my entire life.
“It’s only been eight years.
“We still have a long road ahead of us in this life.
“How could you possibly think I wouldn’t want you?”
These two people, who had endured countless forced lies and experienced so many joys and sorrows, simply stared blankly at one another.
Because they had finally been reunited after everything was broken, neither of them cried anymore.
But because they both knew that although the road ahead was long, they were destined never again to be healthy and whole as they once were, neither could fully surrender themselves to happiness.
Fate and the times had already battered them until they were covered in wounds.
Yet when those two pairs of eyes, still glistening with tears, gazed into each other, they nevertheless choked back their emotions and slowly gathered up every bit of courage and warmth left within their hearts.
Then, with everything they had, they gave each other the gentlest smiles they could still manage.
Two wounded beasts trapped by circumstance had finally embraced one another without any remaining distance or barrier.
The ice had melted.
At last, they could draw warmth from each other and share each other’s pain.
From now on, whether it was the endless frozen lake or the April of the human world, he would be there with him.
Never to part again.