Chapter 34
Su Yunzhe’s hand resting on Shen Yan’s waist paused slightly before he tightened his embrace around him.
He didn’t say anything. He knew that at this moment, any comforting words would feel hollow to Shen Yan.
Indeed, for Shen Yan right now, empty words of consolation couldn’t compare to giving him an outlet to release his emotions.
He gripped Su Yunzhe’s shirt tightly, burying his face deep into Su Yunzhe’s chest, his muffled sobs filled with the sound of watery anguish.
“The truth is, I don’t really have any memory of her. She was gone when I was six, and I can’t even picture her face. Sometimes, I forget I ever had a mother. But today, I found out her death wasn’t an accident… it was murder! She must’ve known something was wrong, but to protect me, she had to risk everything. She died because of me, Su Yunzhe! My mother died because of me!”
At that moment, Shen Yan realized that, despite not being the biological Shen Yan, he couldn’t help but relate to his mother’s image. Maybe it was because this body had been carried by Wen Xin for ten months, their blood and bones entwined.
It felt as if he had just learned that his real mother, before her death, had been secretly working tirelessly, thinking of him, and ultimately had given her life for his sake.
A powerful urge surged within him — to rush to the Shen family and avenge Wen Xin by hurting Shen Bowen and Wang Li.
This feeling was unfamiliar to him, and he didn’t know how to process it.
Su Yunzhe’s heart sank sharply as he tried to push Shen Yan away to see his eyes, but Shen Yan refused, holding onto his shirt, unwilling to let him witness his vulnerable state.
Su Yunzhe’s heart ached. He couldn’t force him to let go, so he could only hold him even tighter, his voice soft yet firm: “Shen Yan, listen to me. Your mother’s death had nothing to do with you! It was the murderer who killed her. We will find the murderer and make them pay, okay?”
He could tell that Shen Yan wasn’t just upset; he was also blaming himself. Was he trying to carry the guilt for his mother’s death?
That was too terrifying.
Su Yunzhe wasn’t afraid of Shen Yan feeling sad — anyone would feel this way after such a tragedy, and with time, that pain would fade. But guilt and self-blame wouldn’t.
If Shen Yan took this guilt upon himself today, he might never be able to let it go for the rest of his life.
That’s why Su Yunzhe was determined to rid Shen Yan of this mistaken belief.
“But…” Shen Yan began to protest.
“There is no ‘but,'” Su Yunzhe interrupted. “You were only six years old. You didn’t know anything. You were just a child waiting for your mother to come home. But you never got to see her again, did you? And that hurt, didn’t it? After she was gone, no one truly cared for you or protected you, and you were always being mistreated, right? So, you’re also a victim. How could this possibly be your fault? The murderer is to blame, do you understand?”
Su Yunzhe’s voice was gentle and steady, like telling a story, but somehow, it was full of conviction.
Shen Yan’s chaotic emotions were somehow soothed. He lifted his head from Su Yunzhe’s chest. “Really?” His voice was thick with nasal tones, his eyes still red-rimmed, the tears barely gone, and the lively sparkle they usually held replaced with helplessness and hope, as though only Su Yunzhe’s affirming answer could rescue him.
Su Yunzhe’s heart softened, and he gently wiped away the tears in the corner of Shen Yan’s eyes. He nodded solemnly. “Really. So, stop overthinking, alright?”
Shen Yan stared at his hand for a moment before releasing it, leaning his head back against Su Yunzhe’s chest and softly asking, “Can I stay here a little longer?”
Su Yunzhe gently patted his back, his voice soft and comforting. “Of course. Stay as long as you want.”
He was more than willing to let Shen Yan lean on him, and Shen Yan didn’t hesitate.
So, they stayed like that until Shen Yan’s emotions had settled, and when he finally pulled away, it was already past midnight.
Shen Yan felt a little embarrassed. He had cried on Su Yunzhe all night, and now, he couldn’t just ask him to leave.
“Could you stay one more night? It’s so late, you can’t really want me to drive all the way back now, right?”
As Shen Yan struggled to figure out what to do, Su Yunzhe spoke up, his expression innocent, as if sending him away would be an unforgivable act.
Actually, he hadn’t planned on staying. Sleeping on the floor was uncomfortable, and last night, he had been so exhausted that he could manage, but tonight he had no intention of doing the same.
The only reason he stayed was that he didn’t want Shen Yan to be alone.
Though Shen Yan seemed like he had calmed down, with only a slight redness left in his eyes, Su Yunzhe knew that some things once experienced would always remain in the heart.
Even if Shen Yan wasn’t feeling guilty about it now, the fact that his mother had been murdered was a huge shock to him. It wouldn’t be something he could easily recover from.
That’s why he needed to stay with him.
“Huh?” Shen Yan didn’t understand Su Yunzhe’s thoughts and only felt troubled.
Inviting Su Yunzhe to stay would only lead to more misunderstandings, but it also felt wrong to send him away now.
And just like the night before, leaving Su Yunzhe to sleep on the floor, Shen Yan felt an unexplainable reluctance.
Maybe it was because he had eaten the food Su Yunzhe brought and had accidentally stained his clothes with tears.
“What’s wrong? You can’t sleep on the floor?” Su Yunzhe asked with exaggerated hurt.
Shen Yan quickly shook his head. “Of course not! It’s just… I feel bad about making you sleep on the floor. Wait, I’ve got an idea!” His eyes suddenly brightened with excitement. “How about I book you a hotel room? Let’s go!”
Shen Yan thought he was a genius for coming up with such a great solution.
With that, he didn’t have to forcefully send Su Yunzhe home in the middle of the night, nor did he need to make any moves that might be misinterpreted, such as letting the man who wanted to take care of him stay over.
It was a brilliant solution!
“No need to go through all that trouble,” Su Yunzhe declined, “If we keep this up, the sun will rise soon. Go take a shower, I’ll handle things here.”
He didn’t understand the mental twists running through Shen Yan’s mind. To him, staying at a hotel or sleeping on the floor didn’t really make a difference; the key was that it was late, and Shen Yan’s emotions had just settled. For safety’s sake, it was better to rest early and not risk triggering any more painful memories.
So when Shen Yan didn’t resist him staying, Su Yunzhe took the initiative to guide him to the bathroom, then, with practiced ease, began setting up the floor for himself.
By the time Shen Yan came out of the bathroom, Su Yunzhe had already laid out the bedding, and was tidying up the mess from dinner—plastic bags and skewers scattered on the table.
Shen Yan leaned against the bathroom door and watched his back. He couldn’t help but scold himself in his mind.
Hadn’t he promised himself to stay away from him? Why had he let Su Yunzhe in? Why had he borrowed his shoulder and cried in his arms? And now, why did it feel oddly comforting to have him stay? Why did the house seem warmer with Su Yunzhe there?
Shen Yan, you selfish idiot!
Just because you were feeling down, did you think you could act like this? Making things more complicated and leaving him with misunderstandings?
You’re such a scumbag!
“What’s wrong?”
Su Yunzhe turned around, noticing the conflicted look on Shen Yan’s face, his brow furrowing in concern. He walked over, worried Shen Yan might be overthinking things again.
Shen Yan snapped out of his thoughts, meeting Su Yunzhe’s caring gaze, and suddenly felt a deep sense of guilt. He blurted out, “Su Yunzhe, I need to tell you the truth, actually, I’m…”
Su Yunzhe raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to finish.
But Shen Yan froze, unable to get the words out. His throat felt tight, not a single sound could escape. A cold sweat broke out, and he cursed himself. What was he doing?
He thankfully caught himself just in time.
If he confessed now, Su Yunzhe would be heartbroken, wouldn’t he?
Moreover, Shen Yan admitted to himself that he was afraid. Afraid that Su Yunzhe might treat him the way Qin Mofeng treated Ling Sicheng.
He was terrified that one day Su Yunzhe would look at him with disdain, like he was a disgusting thing. That he would regret ever having feelings for him.
Shen Yan nervously looked away and awkwardly smiled. “I’m just a little tired, going to sleep now.” He turned and headed for the bedroom, but was stopped by Su Yunzhe.
His guilt made him feel like a thief caught in the act. Fearing Su Yunzhe might ask too many questions, he quickly added, “I really just wanted to say I’m tired, nothing more!”
Su Yunzhe smiled lightly and looked at him teasingly. “I’m not saying you’re lying. Come on, dry your hair before bed. You’ll get a headache if you don’t.”
He gently guided Shen Yan to sit on the couch, then went to fetch a blow dryer. He plugged it in, tested the temperature, and began drying Shen Yan’s hair with care.
Shen Yan froze. Each time Su Yunzhe’s fingers brushed against his scalp, it sent a tingling sensation through him, making him nervous. But it was also strangely pleasant, even a bit joyful.
“Mm?” Su Yunzhe muttered as his fingers gently ran through Shen Yan’s hair, and he suddenly sounded doubtful.
Shen Yan snapped out of his trance, his body stiffening. His mind raced, trying to think of a way to explain the rough patch in his hair.
Maybe he could say it was from a recent impulsive haircut? Or maybe he changed his look to avoid his scumbag husband from finding him? Would that make sense? Would Su Yunzhe buy it?
Damn it! Shen Yan scolded himself. Why on earth had he let Su Yunzhe help with his hair? Was he out of his mind?
What if Su Yunzhe didn’t believe him and started investigating? What then?
He was sweating nervously.
“You’re shedding a lot of hair! Are you staying up late every night?” Su Yunzhe commented as he showed Shen Yan a few strands of hair he’d just removed.
Shen Yan stared at Su Yunzhe’s hand, his body slowly relaxing.
Thank goodness, Su Yunzhe was the type of straight man who wouldn’t notice such details—he probably thought the uneven patch was just a tangle in Shen Yan’s hair.
Relieved, Shen Yan quickly swatted the hair from Su Yunzhe’s hand, shifted in his seat, and took the blow dryer. He forced a smile. “It’s probably because I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’ll do it myself. You should go shower now, there’s a meeting tomorrow, right?”
Su Yunzhe didn’t push further. “Right, an important meeting tomorrow. I’ll go shower, you…” He ruffled Shen Yan’s hair gently. “Make sure you dry it completely before bed!”
“Got it!” Shen Yan nodded obediently.
Once Su Yunzhe headed to the bathroom, Shen Yan let out a long sigh. His shirt was already damp from the nervous sweat.
God, he couldn’t keep living like this—he was way too on edge. He couldn’t take it anymore.
Shen Yan quickly dried his hair and retreated to the bedroom.
After a while, Su Yunzhe came out of the bathroom and paused, staring at the bedroom door for a while before picking up the blow dryer to dry his own hair.
No response.
He knocked again, but still no reply.
“Yanyan?”
Still no answer.
Su Yunzhe tried the door handle and found it wasn’t locked. He simply pushed the door open.
Inside, the person on the bed, hearing the sound, immediately pulled the blanket up and buried his face in it. His voice, muffled and sleepy, came from under the covers: “Goodbye, Mr. Su!”
Su Yunzhe couldn’t help but laugh softly. He walked over and gently patted the top of his head, through the blanket. “Get up, breakfast’s ready.”
Shen Yan had slept poorly last night, and it was still too early for him. He wasn’t fully awake and his voice was soft and drowsy, “I don’t want any breakfast, let me sleep a little longer.”
Su Yunzhe, feeling a strange itch in his heart from Shen Yan’s unconscious act of spoiling, still refused to give in. “No way! Get up, we’re going to the office together.”
Shen Yan, still half-asleep, poked his head out from under the blanket with a dazed look, as if he had misunderstood. “Huh? I don’t have to work today, why do I have to go? Su Yunzhe, I’m so tired. I want to sleep!”
