The car had been where their relationship first began to blossom. Ren Yi was fertile, welcoming soil, full of warmth and passion, while Gong Yingxian was a seed that remained unmoved no matter where it was planted. But inside the car, with its warmth and safety wrapped around them, whether you called it a greenhouse or a hothouse, everything had finally fallen into place, and the seed had sprouted.
Once it started, there was no stopping it.
After leaving the car, they’d weathered storms and been battered and bruised. When they fled back into its confines, able to hear each other’s breathing and catch each other’s scent, they once again felt that same quiet yet unstoppable force of growth that had first taken root between them.
Both could sense what the other was thinking at that moment, and each was absolutely certain of it.
But Ren Yi chose to remain silent, while Gong Yingxian chose to speak.
“Do you remember how we used to eat boxed meals in the car all the time?”
Ren Yi’s Adam’s apple bobbed slightly as he kept his eyes on the traffic light ahead.
“I’ve never liked having people get close to me. In other places, I could avoid you, but there was nowhere to hide from you inside the car. Gradually, I got used to having you this close.” Gong Yingxian leaned slightly toward Ren Yi. “Once I got used to it, I couldn’t stand it when you were far away from me.”
Ren Yi felt irritated. Gong Yingxian was right. There was nowhere to hide inside the car, and Ren Yi didn’t even dare let his eyes wander. Yet the faint, distinctive scent of herbs and wood that belonged to Gong Yingxian lingered around him, making it impossible to ignore the man’s presence.
“You said there’s something wrong with me. You’re right. There is. I’ve discussed it with Dr. Pompey, too, and I know where the problem lies.” Gong Yingxian lowered his gaze to his knees. “You’re the kind of person who always puts other people’s feelings before your own. I’m the exact opposite. I barely even care about my own feelings. When people have feelings, they experience pain. So during the initial period after what happened to my family, I shut all my feelings away. I stopped communicating with others and prevented anyone from coming in or myself from going out. Bearing other people’s feelings is exhausting. I was already struggling to bear my own.”
Ren Yi drew in a sharp breath, a dense, prickling ache spreading through his heart. Was Gong Yingxian deliberately pressing on his weak spots?
After hesitating for a long time, he finally spoke. “Since you’ve realized you have a problem, have you ever thought about doing something to change it?”
While they waited at a red light, Gong Yingxian tilted his head onto Ren Yi’s shoulder.
“I hadn’t before. But now that I have you, I want to change everything. I want every part of me, from head to toe, to be something you can love.”
Ren Yi abruptly straightened up.
With his support gone, Gong Yingxian had no choice but to pull back, disappointment written all over his face. He carefully traced the contours of Ren Yi’s profile with his gaze and said earnestly, “Because I love every part of you, from head to toe. I want you to experience the same kind of happiness and fulfillment that I do.”
Ren Yi pressed his lips together without answering.
“I’ll change. I’ve been changing all along. Maybe I haven’t changed enough yet, but give me some time, and I’ll get there. Please don’t give up on me.”
Gong Yingxian’s gaze was full of earnest longing. He looked so sincere and straightforward that it was difficult not to believe him.
Ren Yi sighed. “You weren’t this good with words before. Who taught you all this?”
“No one. It’s just that there are many things I only say to you.”
“Yingxian, you can’t keep thinking you can talk your way out of everything with just a few words.”
“Then what do you want me to do?”
Ren Yi paused, then spoke as though he’d finally made up his mind.
“I want us to spend some time apart. Right now, I can’t see how we could have a lasting future together. Once, twice, perhaps even more times in the future… It’s like a time bomb. I’m afraid that one day, I’ll end up hating you.”
Gong Yingxian bit his lower lip. “I don’t want to be apart from you. What if you drift too far away and never come back?”
“…I can’t promise you anything.”
“‘I can’t promise you anything.'” Gong Yingxian repeated the words, his heart aching. “I often feel that, to me, you’re my forever, my whole life, while to you, I’m just one chapter. Something you can discard, but something I can’t let go of.”
Ren Yi felt something catch painfully in his chest. Suddenly, he jerked the steering wheel and pulled the car over to the side of the road. Then he turned to stare at Gong Yingxian.
“Stop fucking guilt-tripping me! What do you mean, forever? What do you mean, just one chapter? I poured my heart and soul into this ‘chapter’ with you. I held nothing back! I’m in my thirties, not my teens. Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone in their thirties to throw caution to the wind and love someone as recklessly as a teenager?
“You say I’m your forever? Then how the fuck have you treated me? Who the hell would dare spend a lifetime with someone like you?!”
After finally releasing everything that had been choking him up inside, Ren Yi suddenly felt as though the air circulating through the car had become clearer and fresher.
He’d spent all these days trying to handle things calmly. His doctor’s orders had merely been an excuse. The truth was, he was afraid. He was afraid that if he opened even the smallest crack in his defenses, Gong Yingxian’s pure, unreserved love would seep through every opening and overwhelm him completely.
How could such a fucked-up thing exist in this world? Someone who loved you deeply, yet didn’t mind lying to you or hurting you.
Clear pain surfaced in Gong Yingxian’s eyes. He spoke softly. “You’ve been holding that in for a long time, haven’t you? Say whatever you want to say. You don’t have to hold back.”
Ren Yi who got angry with him and hurled harsh words at him—even if every word struck like a knife—was still better than the Ren Yi who treated him with indifference.
“I don’t know what else I can say to make you understand.” Ren Yi no longer wanted to talk. He realized that he was beyond saving. Even at this point, he still didn’t want to hurt Gong Yingxian. But he couldn’t allow Gong Yingxian to keep hurting him, either.
Gong Yingxian said despondently, “Am I the kind of person who’s destined to grow old alone?”
“…I never said that. Maybe we’re just… not right for each other.”
“Even when two people love each other, they’re still not right for each other. Even when two people have been through life and death together, they’re still not right for each other. Then who could possibly be right for me?” Gong Yingxian stared at Ren Yi without blinking, his eyes growing red. “Just as you said, no one would want to spend their whole life with me.”
Ren Yi angrily turned his face away. “Gong Yingxian, stop fucking playing the victim!”
Why did this man, who could be as ferocious as a beast when he wanted to be, have to act like a cat in front of him?
But Gong Yingxian reached out and turned Ren Yi’s chin toward him.
“You’re afraid to face me again.”
Ren Yi pulled his hand away and started the car again, muttering under his breath, “Enough, enough. Shut up. If you say another word, get out.”
Gong Yingxian leaned back against his seat.
Silence settled inside the car for a while before Gong Yingxian spoke again.
“Do you still love me?”
Ren Yi’s voice was low and stern. “I told you to shut up.”
“Answer that question, and I’ll shut up.”
Ren Yi couldn’t answer. In front of Gong Yingxian, he could neither lie nor tell the truth.
After waiting a long time, Gong Yingxian smiled faintly, sounding relieved.
“You still love me.”
Ren Yi kept a dark expression on his face, his eyes fixed on the road ahead as he drove in silence.
“Sometimes, I really want to hide you away.” Gong Yingxian stared at Ren Yi with a gaze as fierce and hungry as a wolf’s, even though his voice was gentle. “I want to ignore everything else, forget about everything else, and make you mine alone.”
When they arrived, Ren Yi shifted gears, pulled out the key, opened the door, and got out in one swift sequence of movements, as though he would explode if he stayed inside that car for even one second longer.
Gong Yingxian followed him out and surveyed the surroundings.
“This place seems all right. How’s the security?”
“Decent.”
“What about the medical facilities?”
“Decent.”
“I don’t think they’re very good. That security camera is broken.” Gong Yingxian pointed toward the camera at the entrance. “I’ll file a complaint later and ask them to replace it as soon as possible.”
Before entering the building, Ren Yi suddenly stopped and looked at Gong Yingxian.
“When you see my dad, don’t say anything inappropriate.”
Gong Yingxian looked back at him. “What exactly are you referring to?”
“You know perfectly well what I mean.”
Ren Yi pushed the door open and went inside, heading straight to the front desk to sign in.
“Mr. Ren, please follow me.”
The caregiver led the two men toward the residential wing. To get there from the administrative building, they had to cross the central courtyard, which served as an activity area for the elderly. There was a large garden, along with exercise and recreational facilities. With spring in full bloom, the place should have been bustling with people, if not for the fact that it was nearly dinnertime.
They had just reached the garden when they heard a commotion coming from farther away. Ren Yi turned his head—and froze in disbelief.
He actually saw his father grappling with several caregivers in the garden, shouting something indistinct. They were too far away for him to make out the words clearly.
Ren Yi immediately sprinted toward them.
As he got closer, he saw that Ren Xiangrong was holding a fire extinguisher. The safety pin had already been pulled out, and dry chemical powder was scattered across the ground. Nearby stood a trash can that had been deformed by fire. Several caregivers were trying to take the extinguisher away from him, but none of them dared to use force.
“Don’t come any closer! What do you think you’re doing?!” Ren Xiangrong’s legs were unsteady, and he was trembling even just standing there, but his voice was still full of strength. “You’re interfering with firefighters carrying out their official duties!”
Ren Yi sighed inwardly and called out, “Dad.”
The caregivers turned to look at him.
“Are you his family member? Please, do something!”
Ren Yi approached his father. “Dad, what are you doing? The fire’s already out. Put the extinguisher down.”
“Don’t come any closer! It’s dangerous here! Who told you people to come over?!” Ren Xiangrong’s face was flushed with anger. He raised the fire extinguisher as though he were about to spray it.
“Dad, there’s no fire anymore. It was just a trash can, and the fire’s already been put out. Look.” Ren Yi didn’t dare snatch the extinguisher away by force, afraid he might hurt his father, so all he could do was coax him.
Gong Yingxian stood behind Ren Xiangrong with his arms spread out, ready to keep him from falling.
“What do you people know? There are safety hazards everywhere here! They need to be inspected! Go, go call Xiaofei! Who approved the fire safety arrangements here? If it were up to me, I’d never approve them!” Ren Xiangrong looked around with a furious, almost frantic expression.
Ren Yi tried to soothe him. “Captain Ren, whatever it is, we can talk about it when we get back to the squad. Just put the extinguisher down first.”
He could see his father’s legs trembling violently, and he was afraid the man might collapse at any moment. Ren Yi’s heart pounded anxiously.
Ren Xiangrong clutched the extinguisher like a soldier gripping his weapon on the battlefield. He refused to let go, keeping a wary eye on his surroundings with a grave expression.
Ren Yi cautiously moved closer, hoping to take the extinguisher from his father’s hands.
But just then, one of the caregivers’ phones rang. The ringtone happened to sound somewhat like the alarm at a fire station.
Ren Xiangrong suddenly raised the extinguisher. With one hand gripping the hose and the other squeezing the handle, he adopted the most precise and swift posture that every firefighter had practiced tens of thousands of times. He aimed at the trash can and began spraying.
Ren Yi was standing right beside him. Even though he turned his face away immediately, the dry chemical powder still got into his nose and mouth, leaving him coughing uncontrollably.
At the same time, Ren Xiangrong’s legs suddenly gave way, and he sank toward the ground.
Gong Yingxian and the caregivers hurried to support him, settling him into a wheelchair while taking the opportunity to remove the fire extinguisher from his hands.
Ren Xiangrong continued looking around anxiously.
“Inspect everything again! Check the ceiling! Check inside the walls!”
Two caregivers wheeled Ren Xiangrong away, while another turned to Ren Yi with concern.
“Mr. Ren, are you all right? You should wash your face and rinse your mouth.”
Ren Yi wiped his face, leaving his hand covered in white powder. He stood frozen in place, so stunned that he couldn’t even spare a thought for the mess covering his face and head.
Gong Yingxian told the caregiver, “You can go back to your work.”
Then he took a handkerchief from his pocket and reached out to wipe Ren Yi’s face, his voice filled with concern.
“Did you inhale any of it?”
Ren Yi turned his face away and said quietly, “I’ll go wash up.”
Gong Yingxian’s hand remained suspended in midair, and his heart ached unbearably.