Chapter 102
Shortly after they left, it started to drizzle, which felt particularly cold in late December during the winter. Thankfully, they were in a car, shielded from the wind and rain. However, the sky was gloomy, and the raindrops on the windshield added to the somber atmosphere.
Jin Fei was driving Su Bin around Beijing, pointing out landmarks such as the Temple of Heaven, the Temple of Earth, the Sun Altar, the Millennium Altar, Beihai Park, and the Forbidden City. He even mentioned Tiananmen Square, saying, “If you want to visit any of these places, just let me know, and we can stop the car and take a walk.”
Su Bin replied with a lackluster “Oh…”
Jin Fei asked, “What’s wrong, my young master? Is it that time of the month for you?”
Su Bin sighed, “It’s not that… Can I take off my shoes?”
Jin Fei teased, “Do your feet stink? If they do, you can’t take them off. This car is usually driven by my mom, and I don’t want it to smell bad. She’ll kill me!”
Su Bin removed one shoe and lifted it to his nose to check, “It doesn’t stink.”
Jin Fei gave him a disdainful look, “You’re disgusting!”
“I shower and change my socks every day, and my socks don’t stink. If they did, I’d eat them,” Su Bin replied, completely at ease in front of Jin Fei. He took off his other shoe and curled up, hugging his knees.
Jin Fei glanced at him and laughed, “Are you a pill bug? Why are you curling up into a ball?”
Su Bin sighed, “I’m just feeling a bit down.”
Jin Fei asked, “Is it because of the breakup? You’re still not over it?”
“If I’m still hung up on the breakup now, that would be really stupid,” Su Bin sighed again and looked out of the window. “I should have gotten over it… but…”
Jin Fei was puzzled. If it wasn’t because of the breakup, what was bothering Su Bin? Could it be… Allen’s sudden fainting last night had upset him? But Allen seemed fine this morning. Or was it because Allen hadn’t come along? Was Su Bin feeling lonely?
Jin Fei thought about it and found it quite plausible. He couldn’t help muttering to himself, “Damn…” These two had such a strange relationship. Were they really just casual partners, or did it feel more like a romantic relationship?
He stepped on the gas pedal, speeding up the car as they got on the highway. Driving in the city was too stifling, and Jin Fei wanted to enjoy a bit of speed to lighten the mood.
Su Bin took out his phone and realized he had sent several messages to all.89 since they left, but there had been no response. The profile picture showed “offline.”
His mind was filled with thoughts of Allen, who was left alone in Jin Fei’s house.
What was Allen doing right now? Wasn’t he feeling well? Was he still having a headache? Why hadn’t he opened Skype? Did he forget or did he deliberately not want to talk to Su Bin?
Su Bin’s mind replayed the image of Allen sitting on the sofa with his brows furrowed, eyes closed. He couldn’t help but sigh. He had no interest in sightseeing or playing now; he just wanted to go back and be with Allen, snuggling together like before. However, he knew that even if he went back, Allen wouldn’t acknowledge him.
Allen had asked him to think things through carefully. Perhaps he wanted both of them to have some time apart to calm down? It was agonizing, and Su Bin wanted to surrender and return to peace, but that would still be avoiding the fundamental issue.
He needed to think things through carefully, figure out what to do. Otherwise, it would be irresponsible to both himself and Allen.
“Where are we going?” It took Su Bin over an hour to realize they were on the road. He asked Jin Fei in confusion.
Jin Fei replied, “I’m taking you to Shidu to relax.”
Su Bin asked, “What’s Shidu?”
Jin Fei explained, “It’s a place with mountains and water, a scenic spot.”
“Oh…” Su Bin responded slowly. Then, he asked Jin Fei, “Cangying, how do you view death?”
Jin Fei was momentarily taken aback and confirmed that he had heard correctly, “Why are you asking about this?”
Su Bin turned his head and said, “Imagine you have a close family member, someone you thought would live to be seventy or eighty years old, but they get a terminal illness in their forties or even earlier and are about to die. How would you feel?”
Jin Fei was surprised and looked at him, “Wait, is your dad dying?”
Su Bin was annoyed, “Can’t you use more auspicious words?!”
Jin Fei said, “…”
—It’s not surprising that Jin Fei misunderstood. Su Bin had asked about someone “close” and “family,” not someone he had just recently entered into a… um, romantic relationship with.
Jin Fei furrowed his brow, “If that really happened, it would just mean bad luck.”
Su Bin asked, “Wouldn’t you be sad?”
“Of course, I would be sad, but being sad won’t change anything. I’m not a god; I can’t bring people back to life,” Jin Fei replied, pondering for a moment before adding, “Your question is quite meaningful. I hadn’t thought about it before. Well, it’s better to cherish our loved ones while they’re still healthy. In case something happens in the future, it’ll be a little easier to bear.”
Su Bin mumbled, “Cherish them while they’re still healthy?”
Jin Fei said, “Well, I remember in one of our psychology classes, the professor said that the most painful emotion isn’t loss but regret. The pain of loss may linger for a while, but the pain of regret stays with you for a lifetime. So, cherish people while they’re alive, and you won’t have regrets later.”
Su Bin fell into deep thought. Jin Fei’s words made sense, but they didn’t completely resolve his inner doubts.
“Did I say something wrong? Why the long face?” Jin Fei glanced at him.
Su Bin shook his head and continued, “Let’s say this family member is a choice. You know they’ll pass away in ten years. Would you choose them as your family?”
“You can’t choose family. Whether someone lives long or not, you have to accept it,” Jin Fei hesitated for a moment, then turned to Su Bin, “Wait, are you talking about your future wife?”
Su Bin said, “You can interpret it that way…”
Jin Fei said, “It depends on whether it’s before or after marriage.”
Su Bin thought for a moment and realized that he and Allen had already made a vow. So, technically, it was “after marriage.” Awkward…
Before making the vow, Su Bin knew that Allen had hemophilia. After agreeing to Allen’s proposal, Allen had confirmed with him several times and even had him kneel down to show his determination. But Su Bin now realized that he had been too hasty.
Su Bin’s default interpretation of “a lifetime” was his own lifetime. He had ignored the prerequisite condition in Allen’s vow – “within my lifetime.”
So, whether it was ten, twenty, or fifty years, as long as Allen’s life came to an end, it could still be considered a complete “lifetime.” Allen hadn’t deceived him.
Jin Fei continued, “If it’s after marriage and the relationship is deep, you probably have to accept it. Spend a good ten years together, have a child, and by the time the child is seven or eight, even if the mother is gone, the child won’t be left alone.”
Su Bin muttered, “But… having a child is not possible for us.”
Jin Fei added, “If it’s before marriage and the relationship isn’t that deep, it’s hard to say… After all, marriage is about spending a lifetime together. If it’s only ten years, it’s not much different from raising a dog.”
Su Bin thought, “…Raising a dog? But Allen said he could guarantee ‘ten years.’ Doesn’t that match a dog’s lifespan?”
Su Bin felt embarrassed and turned his head, staring straight ahead. He continued, “What if you’ve just gotten married, have some feelings but not deep ones, and then you find out your wife can only live for ten years? You’re shocked, and your wife tells you that you can choose to divorce. What would you do?”
Jin Fei muttered, “Damn, where are all these hypothetical scenarios coming from? Finding out your wife can only live for ten years right after getting married? Are you writing a TV drama or something?”
Su Bin insisted, “Just tell me!”
Jin Fei said with righteous indignation, “Of course, I wouldn’t divorce! Let me make it clear, despite my frequent changes in girlfriends, marriage is a serious matter. I can’t be with someone I don’t love. So, whether it’s a new marriage or an old one, once I decide to get married, it means I’ve chosen that person… Oh, by the way, isn’t there a line in the marriage vows that says ‘in sickness and in health’? No matter if the other person is sick and dying, you can’t just divorce. That would be cowardly… No, it would be inhuman to do that! It’s just a way to escape pain and responsibility.”
Su Bin was left speechless. He suddenly realized that Jin Fei, despite his carefree appearance, might not be as bad as he had imagined. In fact, Su Bin might be the one who was cowardly… or inhuman…
Jin Fei didn’t drive to the Shidu scenic area as planned. Instead, he exited the highway and parked the car in an open area by the roadside.
They both got out of the car and stood on a hill, looking down at the distant Juma River. It was a valley formed by the northern end of the Taihang Mountains. In history, there were ten ferry crossings in this valley, hence the name “Shidu,” which means “Ten Crossings.” However, none of these ferry crossings existed anymore.
The rain had stopped, and the air felt slightly damp due to the evaporation of moisture from the ground.
Jin Fei lit a cigarette and said, “I just realized that your question had some depth to it…”
Su Bin, still puzzled, asked, “Oh?”
Jin Fei continued, “Do you remember when you first returned to China, and you sent me a text… I told you I had some business to attend to?”
Su Bin said, “I remember.”
Jin Fei went on, “It was about my cousin. He’s five years older than me and graduated from college last year. He married his college classmate, whom he had been dating for four years. I even served as the best man at their wedding… But this year, they got divorced.”
Su Bin asked, “Why did they get divorced so soon?”
“It wasn’t anything major, really. They argued every day over trivial matters. Being young and hot-tempered, neither of them would give in, and the more they argued, the more their feelings faded. So, they got divorced. My cousin came to me for a drink and regretted the divorce. He wanted to reconcile, but he couldn’t bring himself to apologize. His ex-wife was stubborn too and acted like they would never speak again. I saw both of them suffering…”
Jin Fei sighed and pondered, “If they had known that his wife could only live for ten years, they probably would have cherished their time together more. Maybe they wouldn’t have fought so much… With such limited time, why not make the most of it?”
Su Bin, upon hearing this, felt as if a soothing balm had been applied to his temples. He suddenly understood many of the things Allen had said to him before…
—Don’t hate, it will consume your life. The best way is to forget…
—From this moment on, you can only think of me, all the time, only me.
—What’s the point of saying you like or love someone? Verbal declarations of love can change. I want a love that won’t allow any betrayal or abandonment…
—Isn’t the ultimate goal of liking and loving each other to be together for the rest of our lives? Then why not go directly to the destination and be together?
—Your time and energy should be spent on more valuable things…
…
Looking at the distant mountains and rivers, Su Bin realized that he could forgive all the hurts from family and friends. Yes, why should one hold onto hatred? Why should one dwell on grievances? Life is so short; remembering the good things is enough…
Only those who deeply understand the limited nature of life will prioritize their time for more meaningful endeavors. No wonder Allen taught him to learn how to forget and let go. No wonder Allen always emphasized thinking only of him. Allen knew all along that time was short and shouldn’t be wasted…
And yet, this person who valued life so much had promised his whole life to Su Bin. Su Bin had even scorned Allen’s “ten years” as too short and not worth it. Allen must have been hurt by that, right?
Su Bin imagined Allen alone in Jin Fei’s home, like a proud leopard, licking its wounds in the darkness.
Su Bin’s face fell, and he said, “Brother, let’s go back…”
Jin Fei, puzzled, responded, “…What’s going on? Did you figure something out? Why do you look like you’re about to cry?”
Just as Jin Fei finished smoking, he stubbed out the cigarette and returned to the car with Su Bin.
The car’s sound system played sophiezelmani’s song.
A warm female voice with a hint of melancholy repeated, “Yes, i'” (Yes, I want to go home, I must go home)…
Listening to this song, Su Bin couldn’t wait to return to Allen…
Even though Allen had said that a spiritual contract couldn’t be enforced if one party violated it, Su Bin felt as though a force had engraved the contents of the contract deep into his soul. From that moment on, Allen was his family, and wherever Allen was, that was where he should be.
Back at Jin Fei’s house, Su Bin quickly ran upstairs. Jin Fei watched him go, still puzzled.
Su Bin opened the door but didn’t see Allen. His expression changed, and he nervously ran downstairs, asking, “Where’s Allen?”
Jin Fei replied, “I don’t know…”
Su Bin rushed back upstairs to check. He hadn’t looked in the bathroom earlier.
At that moment, Allen came out of the dining room and said, “You guys are back?”
Jin Fei was startled and exclaimed, “What the heck! How did you get here?”
Allen replied, “Auntie made some snacks for me…”
Jin Fei asked, “Hey, did you have a fight with Su Bin?”
Allen wondered, “…What’s going on?”
Jin Fei said, “He hasn’t given me a smile all day, acting like he lost his father or something, and he asked a bunch of weird questions.”
Allen asked, “What kind of questions?”
Jin Fei replied, “Like, ‘What would you do if your wife could only live for ten years?'”
Allen remained silent.
Jin Fei continued, “You’d better go upstairs and see him. He was looking for you everywhere, like a lost puppy without its owner…”
Jin Fei shook his head and said, “I’m going to lie on the massage chair for a while. I’ve been driving all day, and I’m exhausted. I’ll go to Yang Ge’s place in half an hour.”
Allen said, “Okay, thanks for your hard work.”
Allen slowly walked upstairs, and on the staircase, he bumped into Su Bin, who was rushing back down.
Su Bin excitedly hugged Allen, his face full of sadness as he asked, “Where did you go?”
Allen chuckled softly and said, “Let’s go upstairs and talk.”
Back in their room, Su Bin locked the door and handed Allen his identity card and passport. He said, “These are for you.” Then, he knelt down and said in a low voice, “I’m sorry. It was my mistake. Please don’t be angry anymore.”
Allen looked down at him but didn’t say anything.
Su Bin continued, “I shouldn’t have said those things. I will trust you.”
Reflecting on what Allen had done for him and comparing it to what he had done for Allen, Su Bin couldn’t help feeling inadequate.
Allen reached out and touched Su Bin’s ear, offering him some encouragement.
Su Bin continued, “Even if it’s only ten years, it doesn’t matter.”
As Jin Fei had said, this was Su Bin’s realization before adopting a new puppy. Although Allen wasn’t a dog, in a sense, the commitment of not leaving for ten years was somewhat similar to the loyalty of dogs. With this thought, Su Bin felt much lighter.
Allen asked in a soft voice, “Is that so?”
Su Bin nodded and said, “Yes.” —I’ll take good care of you too. After all, I’m a man, and I can’t say I can’t go on without you. Moreover, since we’ve decided to be together, we should be willing to make some sacrifices, right?
Allen asked, “So, you still think that I can only live for ten years?”
Su Bin looked up, but he didn’t see a smile in Allen’s eyes; instead, there was a hint of disappointment.
Su Bin panicked, “Did I say something wrong?”
Allen shook his head and said, “Mu, you still haven’t understood our relationship.”
Su Bin remained silent.
Allen continued, “Your expression tells me that you feel guilty, and your tone tells me that you’re eager to make amends because you want to escape from this tormenting state.”
Su Bin suddenly felt choked up. He didn’t understand where he had gone wrong. He had thought a lot and done a lot. Why wasn’t Allen satisfied?
Allen asked, “Do you feel that if you don’t agree with me, if you don’t apologize to me, you would be letting me down?”
Su Bin was caught in his thoughts, unable to respond. But he still didn’t think he was wrong.
Allen continued, “Do you feel that if our relationship ends like this, you would feel that you used me during this time, and that’s why you feel guilty?”
Su Bin remained silent. Yes, Allen was right.
Allen asked again, “Do you feel that to repay me, during these ten years, you can temporarily play the role of master and servant, find a temporary emotional anchor, and then continue with your own life after ten years?”
Seeing Su Bin’s silence, Allen chuckled, though there was a bitter and disappointed smile on his face. He looked into Su Bin’s eyes and said, “I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want repentance, and I certainly don’t want sacrifices.”
Su Bin replied hesitantly, “…”
Allen thought about getting up, and Su Bin thought he was going to leave him. Anxiously, Su Bin clung to Allen’s leg and cried out, “Master…”
Allen looked at him and then forcefully pulled him up. They stood facing each other.
Su Bin was utterly confused. He didn’t know what to do, and he was close to tears. Would he be abandoned?
In the next moment, Allen suddenly held him tightly in his arms. He sighed softly in Su Bin’s ear and kissed his forehead. He said, “I’m sorry, Mu. I was too impatient.”
— I’m angry, but I’m angry with myself.
Su Bin said, “…”
Allen kissed Su Bin’s forehead, then his pen tip, and finally his lips. He gently sucked on Su Bin’s lower lip, feeling the warmth of the person in his arms.
— I’m angry with myself for not having a normal lifespan, so I can boldly promise you more.
After the kiss, Su Bin felt that his entire body had been healed, but he was still worried. He looked up and asked, “Will you still want me?”
Allen stared at him with passionate and deep eyes. “I want you… I’m just afraid that what I want, you can’t bear.”
Su Bin replied hesitantly, “…”
Although this sentence sounded a bit strange, Allen’s promise finally eased Su Bin’s long-standing anxiety.
Allen patted his back and said, “Alright, let’s go to Joe’s house first. We’ll talk more when we come back.”
Before they left, Su Bin asked Allen, “What about the gifts you were planning to give to my parents?”
Allen replied, “They’re in the suitcase. Why?”
Su Bin handed over some tea leaves and lotus root powder. “You can give these to Yang Chengzhe’s parents.”
Allen was surprised and took them out, saying, “Okay, I’ll tell Joe that they’re from you.”
Su Bin waved his hand. “How can that be?!”
Allen lightly tapped Su Bin’s head with a cigar box. “Why not? If you give them, it’s the same as if I did because you’re mine.”
The two of them went downstairs, one after the other. Jin Fei was already waiting downstairs. He saw Su Bin, who had been frowning all day, suddenly smiling and exchanging tender glances with Allen. They didn’t hide their affection at all, and Jin Fei got goosebumps all over his body.
Damn it, they’re starting to look like they’re in a relationship!
Yang Chengzhe’s house was located near one of China’s top universities, in a quiet environment. It was said that most of the residents in the area were intellectuals.
Yang Chengzhe came downstairs to welcome them and casually asked where they had been during the day.
Jin Fei glanced at Su Bin and lamented, “We went to Shidu and had a smoke. Damn it, I’ll never bring this kid with me again!”
Yang Chengzhe burst into laughter and then led them upstairs. Mr. and Mrs. Yang were already waiting at the door.
“Welcome, welcome! Are you Allen? Welcome to China,” Mrs. Yang greeted Allen in English and then looked at Su Bin and Jin Fei, accurately addressing them by name.
Su Bin was surprised. “Auntie, how did you know our names?”
Mrs. Yang smiled and replied, “Ah Zhe described you to me, and I could tell at a glance! Little Su, you’re from the South, right? Your voice is soft, like a girl’s.”
Su Bin was speechless.
“Hehe, come in and have a seat. We’re a small family, no need to be formal,” Mr. Yang warmly invited them into the living room for tea.
The house was not small at all, at least 200 square meters. The apartment was decorated warmly and elegantly. There was a row of large bookshelves in the living room, giving it the atmosphere of an intellectual’s home.
Mr. and Mrs. Yang could chat fluently in English, and they seemed as energetic and vibrant as friends of the same age. Su Bin was infected by the strong family atmosphere here, and he cast an admiring glance at Yang Chengzhe.
